Ten Years

The "Sermonator" brought up a very interesting point in one of his lessons today. He stated that if ten years ago anyone could see their future as it is today that person would be very suprised to see the outcome. In some cases, NOTHING would have been as predicted! How true!
When I was 13 years old my plans by the time I would reach 23 were as follows -

- Join the air force.
- After leaving the air force, run for a people-elected government position or become a lawyer.

In just five years, shortly before graduating high school, oh how those plans changed! They now were -

- Attend and finish my first round of college to become a music education teacher.
- Possibly get a graduate degree at Purdue.

In 2 years, all of those had vanished with the wind. I've now become a temp worker, after trying to keep a long-term and successful career in a law firm which obviously didn't work. And in the past 5 years alone, including going back and forth from college, I've moved 13 TIMES. How in the world did this fit in with all my hopes and dreams? Well, it didn't at all!

But I've realized something very incredible. I'm in God's hands throughout all of this. All these changes could have happened as a matter of protection from who knows what. God's means are completely beyond my understanding, but that's OK! I realize that if my life had no purpose, it wouldn't be. Why would our God keep us alive, breath by breath if would all lead to a pointless existence? We all have a definite purpose but because it's future is unseen we tend to get frustrated and/or lose faith (something I've been guilty of recently).

When life seems uncertain, scary, and uncomprehensible, STOP. Take a breath. Pray and pray often. Since when has God ever worked according to our own timetable? If He did that, it would undermine His own power. Remember that we are each clay in his hands, literally formed from this very earth. That clay is constantly being formed to something workable in his plan.

We're just not there yet!

My Zoo Sucks, But I'm Still Charging Admission

Does anyone remember the film, "Jerry Maguire"? If so, you may recall the scene where Mr. Cruise (I know psychiatry!) is sitting on the couch, drunk, chatting with his soon-to-be wife's child, played by Jonathan Lipnicki. In the middle of this non-sensical conversation, the kid perks up and says "I wanna go to the zoo! Let's go to the zoo!". Whatever happened to that kid? I wanna know, because that kid needs a punch in the face. Wait, sorry there, hormones are acting crazy......the guy who wrote that line needs a punch in the face. I LOVE CHILDREN! So for now, Mr. Lipnicki, you are safe....until the day "Like Mike 2" comes to theaters.

Recently, I've been called a zoo-keeper. Why a zookeeper? Well, my apartment has turned into the perfect space to witness mice, bats and caterpillars in their "natural" environment. A couple of weeks ago as I'm walking to my apartment I notice something sticking to the hallway wall. What is it? A bat, and not a tiny one. I thought it would transform into Nosferatu at any given second. The next day it had disappeared.

Shortly after Nosferatu's unwelcomed visit, I noticed short little brown lines on my apartment walls and ceiling. Because my eyesight isn't that great and because my walls are pretty high, I had assumed that they were cracks beginning to develop. The next day about 10 more "cracks" arrived. It wasn't until I had stood on a chair and stretched as close as I could to see these cracks that I had realized the misconception. These were not cracks, but caterpillars. To this day I cannot find their entry point into the apartment. That was two weeks ago, and more and more of these creatures show up at a rate of 7 per day.

Then on the friday before labor day, I sat down at the computer to relax and enjoy the start of my three-day weekend when I heard the undeniable sound of scratching behind the oven and fridge. That means only one thing: MICE. I got up from my chair and reached for a flashlight to see one of the critters walk smack-dab onto a sticky trap and start to squeak. Only it's back side was stuck, so it tried to drag itself across my kitchen floor with its front, tiny paws. Finally after contorting its body into ungodly ways it gave up and rested by my oven, where it began to chew on the oven sides. "Please chew through a gas line and take this building up and away!", were my thoughts. So I stayed with relatives that weekend, hoping that it would die before I got home that next tuesday. Luckily it did.

Then on the following friday, I came back to the apartment to check things out. About 25 caterpillars on my walls? Check. The unmistakeable smell of rodents, possibly dead ones in the walls or my A/C vent? Check. I walked on the carpet and heard "EEEEEE!" What the heck!? Is there a mouse underneath the carpet and I just happen to be squishing the poor creature? No, I didn't see any tremors (or Kevin Bacon). Walked a few more steps in another direction - "EEEEE!". $%%#!@)#)!)%$%%#!@)#)!)% Then some plastic bags on the floor by my countertop started to rustle. I'm beginning the think that the ghost of "Little Mousie Chews My Oven" has taken over the place.

In the meantime, I'm staying with relatives until moving day this saturday (CAN'T WAIT! AAAAH!). Got home today to see that the caterpillars are still coming, and finding solace in making little cocoons in my bedspread. That would have been nice to know before I took a quick nap in there yesterday. FRICKING DEMON MOUSE CATERPILLER NOSFERATU BUILDING!

The managers are going to start showing my apartment to potential residents soon. I'm hoping that when they enter the room that a giant winged bat-rat with red eyes, its mouth full of caterpillars lunges at them. That or maybe I'll borrow the neighbor's cat (the building is a no-pets building) to crap on the floor. Any suggestions?

Today He Gave Me...

Today He Gave Me...

Man, I Love "The Onion"

"War on String May Be Unwinnable, Says Cat General"

Michael Bay's Rant on "March of the Penguins"

City Perks

Living in a rather large city definitely has its benefits. Lots of shopping, restaurants, entertainment, colleges, sports teams and places to work. Some of the non-permanent benefits include the occasional concert, traveling plays and musicals, prominent speakers, and presidential visits (especially during election years). And once in a rare while, big-name celebrities will come here to work on films. Most recently Lindsay Lohan, Kevin Kline, Meryl Streep, Lily Tomlin and Woody Harrelson spent several weeks in St. Paul for a feature film on Garrison Keillor. This past winter Mr. Harrelson, Sissy Spacek and Charlize Theron spent about the same amount of time on a film in Northern MN. Today was my first witness of a celebrity in downtown Minneapolis. And might I say that if all the following encounters are like this one, I'll take a definite pass on rubbing elbows with any of them again.

When getting ready to head out the door for work every weekday, I happen to listen to a local popular radio station that has a hilarious morning show. Yes, sometimes it can be a little crude, but most of it is in good taste. Their annual april fool's day pranks on listeners are enough to get you hooked. Today I was about to head out the door when one of the radio personalities announced that they were about to give out 3rd row tickets to a big-name concert this weekend. The only way someone could win them today was if their intern, Crisco, happened to talk with you and proposition you to do something in return for the tickets.

Well, today happened to be the day when Crisco was walking downtown, about 4 blocks from my apartment building. What was his offered proposition to any taker? In order to get these tickets, you had to pee yourself. See, apparently in some southern state very recently, this electronics store had a tremendous sale of 4-year old MAC laptops for $50. Obviously a stampede ensued so one woman had a brilliant idea that she could save her spot in line if she wet herself. So why wouldn't this twin cities station think it was a fabulous idea?

NO, I DID NOT PEE MYSELF. Get that horrible thought out of your head. I had enough time today to hear Crisco get refused flat-out by one woman and then set on my path to work. Wouldn't you know it, about 2 blocks from the building I look ahead and see Mr. Crisco on a cell phone (his communication with the station personalities) and two women standing to his side. These women looked extremely professional, clean-cut, but very young. So because of the latter fact, why wouldn't they agree to peeing in front of a perfect stranger? I heard enough of their conversation on the walk past that it made my skin crawl. "Oh, they way we would do it would be clean, it wouldn't take much time at all!". BLECH.

Oh the things people will do nowadays.

Remind Me Again...

..As to why I hate dating. Based on my current preferences, here's what I must do in order to meet my 'soul mate' (as if there ever were such a thing). Might I mention that this is BULLCRAP!

Your probability coefficient: 4.52578700220433E-10.

You have to meet 2,209,560,458 American single males who are between 21 and 33 years old.

They also have to meet these religious requirement(s):
- Protestant
- Other Christian

Note: We only have religion statistics for ALL American singles. Therefore, your religion probability was excluded.

You might have to move.


HMM, yeah I think I may have to move if it is necessary to meet a quarter of the world's population before I die.

My Soldier

Hey guys, if you have the time but don't know how to help out soldiers overseas, here's an idea. All you have to do is WRITE A LETTER. Sign up at the link below and you will be assigned your very own soldier. All the soldiers appreciate these letters so much. I've just finished my very first letter and will put it in the mail tomorrow. And don't worry, this is NOT a scam. It is 100% completely FREE, but they do suggest a $10 donation, which is not required to sign up. A donation envelope comes with your sign-up letter, "My Soldier" bracelet, and soldier contact information. This is a great and very cheap idea for church groups or elementary schools. All the information you need is at -

http://www.mysoldier.com/

Musical Bummer

Last month, my church worship pastor informed me that they were in need of some upcoming offering music for the month of august. I decided to sign up for a clarinet solo, even though the music was not yet decided. The church pianist and I had an initial meeting to decide what would be best to play, and to decide if a prelude peice was also needed. We eventually chose two songs - "God and God Alone" for the prelude and "Great is the Lord" for an offering peice, both for solo clarinet. I was especially excited about "Great is the Lord". It is a popular song written by Michael W. Smith, my favorite gospel artist. A very strong, intense and undeniably moving contemporary song that accomplishes what a great hymn also does - gives glory to God and praises His name. From the moment I heard this song, I've loved it and have had a dream to play it on any instrument for an offering. This has been an 8-year goal.

I had about 4 weeks to practice these songs and did so at least a couple of times a week for a 1/2 hour each time. Yesterday the accompianist and I met for a final practice which lasted over an hour. The big performances were set to happen today and although I was extremely nervous and way too critical of myself already (What if I squeak? I sound too strained on the high notes! AH, I can't get all the trills!), it was thrilling. A lot of hard work went into these songs, mainly because they are so well known and I didn't want to butcher them in front of an entire congregation. After our group band rehearsal this morning, I decided not to go to our regular coffee so the songs could be played through at least one more time. Sounded good. I walked around and saved my breath, didn't talk to anyone, said a few words of encouragement and just tried to keep myself as relaxed as possible.

Then it was the big moment. I got up on stage and began to play the prelude. It went great, way better than I had expected and I was at least happy to not have run out of air. There was still quite some time before the offering, so I sat down and again tried to reassure myself that everything would go well. Church announcements came and went. Then it was the recap of children's summer bible school and a very adorable song, complete with stomping feet and clapping hands and flying up into trees (not literally but lyrically, mind you). All of this was completely enjoyable until the kids started to exit the stage.

My eyes were literally about to bulge from their sockets when I witnessed three kids work their way between the performance microphone and the music stand holding my clarinet and sheet music. The stand began to waver and had stopped completely when another person bumped into it. The stand fell backwards, sending the clarinet bouncing off the piano behind it and dropping to the floor with a loud thud. It took all the self-control I could muster in order not to yell "SON OF A %(@)$!". While someone else picked up the stand, I crawled behind the piano to pick up the clarinet and inspect that everything was OK. No broken reed- GOOD! No cracked plastic - GOOD! But wouldn't you know it, the only button that is absolutely necessary to play every note except one was jammed open and unmoveable. By the way, this was the second time an instrument of mine has been dropped on stage and broken. My saxophone was dropped in plain view of the entire congregation once. Now three of the notes won't play.Luckily at the time of this accident, the audience was being entertained with a summer bible school slideshow. They didn't see my face flush red, walk over to the accompanist now sitting at the organ and say "My horn won't play, you will have to come up with your own offering music". AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How annoying! So the accompianist eventually just played the piano part for "Great is the Lord" by herself, while I sat there looking and feeling like an idiot while the entire congregation was wondering why another instrumentalist wasn't up there, as the bulletin had said would happen.

AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! Just want to get that out in the open.

So now my peice of crap instrument is totally incapacitated and in desperate need of repair. Fortunately, the church offered to pay any repair costs and to ante up for an actually professional clarinet stand. But let me say, just for the heck of it, one more time -

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to eat an entire pizza now.

Yes, I Am a Hick

Yes, I am a country hick. A momentarily displaced hick, but a hick nonetheless. After living in the cities for what seems to be a century so far, I have come to embrace my hick-ness. These engraved characteristics and behaviors has previously been items of shame, but not anymore. So for now, before I forget, I will lay out the reasons as to why I'm proud to be a hick.

- I like Garth Brooks and the Dixie Chicks.
- In my former farm community, my high school was in the middle of a corn field, nine miles from the nearest town.
- It is possible at night to see the stars! LOTS of them! Can you do that in the city? I think not!
- Traffic Jams only occur when five vehicles are stuck behind a John Deere.
- When having a bonfire outside, it is necessary to keep your food in check so a coyote doesn't come from behind and grab it.
- Having school cancelled because of fog is always great!
- I can drive a pickup truck and not look like an idiot.
- When driving down the highway, you can tell what kind of farms are around just by the smell.
- When I graduated high school, I knew the first AND last names of every student in my grade.
- Homes, on average, cost $40,000. My first home in the country was three stories with a basement and large garage. It cost my mom $16,000.
- In certain towns, there are more bat problems than mouse problems.
- When giving directions to a farm, you say things like "Go 1.6 miles NE, turn left at the big blue silo, then go .7 miles W"
- Farm driveways are a 1/2 mile long.
- Our idea of fun "back in the day" was to drive to abandoned farms and just chat.
- When traveling to the homeland this past weekend, I was ridiculed for owning a cell phone.
- The only planes flying overhead are crop sprayers.

"El Autobus" - Act One, Scene 3

"Oh Crap!"

About 20 or so cars in two lanes of traffic wait at the 394 entrance lights, unknowingly sitting oh so patiently while the 20-ton monster approaches from behind.

Ms. Smith clasps onto the handrail next to her and closes her eyes, turning into an standing ostrich with it's head planted in the ground. "If I can't see what's going to happen, then it won't happen, right? RIGHT?!"

"HEY! You should probably put all the stuff that's liable to fly underneath your seat or something, this doesn't look good.", warns Ms. Smith's companion.

Ms. Smith, with her eyes still slammed shut says, "Is this really happening? Is everyone else completely oblivious to this?"

Suddenly, a series of violent jerks causes Ms. Smith's eyes to pop open. Miraculously, BAAB has realized that she has a more than one pedal underneath her steering wheel and decides that just for the heck of it, just this one time, she will see what happens when she presses on the big flat one to the left of the gas pedal. "WHOA! Guys, look at this! When I push this one here, it makes the bus go slower! I should experiment with this one more often! This is AWESOME!"

The preceding words cause everyone on the ride to stand up and ferociously clap. "WOOOH!", they scream. But since BAAB is also completely deaf in her right ear, she cannot hear the exclamations of approval. "UUUUH, this pedal is hard". With that, she slams on the brake. Those who were standing have now received a very unwanted and very unexpected version of the heimlich manuever.

Ms. Smith begins to cry. "I never pictured my deathbed to be a smelly, sticky bus that was likely bred from the depths of Mordor. I wanted to die warm in my bed after having a full, happy and experienced life!"

Suddenly a low, strong voice bellows, "Relax, will ya? Sheesh!"

"What the...?" Who are you?" Ms. Smith recoils in horror to see a large, muscular man dressed all in white. A man, who until five seconds ago was nowhere to be seen. His face is as clear as porcelain. A bright yellow glow eminates from his pores.

"I am the Angel Gabriel, and I was sent by God to spare the lives of you people. There was a glitch in the "plan" upstairs. The Angel Michael was playing Minesweeper on the "plan" computer and accidentally typed in "Death by Bus" instead of "Death by Sub". Luckily, I know Tae Kwon Do."

"What? Why is Tae Kwon Do necessary now?", cries Ms. Smith.

Gabriel screams, "JUDO CHOP!" and takes his open hand to BAAB's neck. Her head drops like a brick. He pulls BAAB's body from the front and drags her to the back of the now floating bus.

A small boy sitting on his mother's lap turns to her face, excitedly. "Mommy, I just saw the Angel Gabriel punch out an old woman! Score!"

The laughing Angel says, "You think that was cool, then watch this! Have any of you seen the movie 'Back to the Future?'".

With that, the bus starts to gain air speed. Within the time span of 10 seconds, the vehicle travels from the crowded entrance to 394 in Golden Valley to it's final stop on Hennepin Ave downtown. In amazement, Ms. Smith notices that people waiting at the stop have not been affected by the sudden appearance of the floating jet bus. In fact, it is as though nothing extraordinary has happened at all!

"Ok, peeps, this is your final stop! Get moving, I don't have time to stand around all evening!"

The passengers, all in utter confusion, slowly start towards the open doors. Well, all of them except Ms. Smith. With her mouth dropped to the floor, she achingly stands up and paces to Gabriel. Her steps are as confident as those of a toddler who has just learned to walk.

"So you are an Angel?"
"Yes".
"And you know how and when I'm going to die?"
"Yes".
"Can I ask you something extremely important?"
"Go ahead."
"Am I going to heaven or hell?"

Gabriel stares at Ms. Smith with a strong intensity. Ms. Smith feels a change in her entire body, as though every emotion she's ever felt are now completely co-existing in their strongest phases.

"Now you know the answer to your question, right?"
"Yes, for how long?"
"For the remainder of your time on this bus. Now go home, my child."

Ms. Smith slowly turns around and exits off the bus. Her first step hits the concrete sidewalk and the numbness and confusion that has filled every day of her entire life engulfs her mind with such a force that it makes her fall to the ground. She completely forgets the question she posed to Gabriel and the answer she received just moments before. A nearby stranger rushes to her side and pulls her up. "Are you OK?, she says.

"Yeah, did you see what happened with the bus?"
"What bus?"
"The freaking bus that just floated to this stop! The bus I just tripped off from!"
"That guy's dog ran in front of you. You fell pretty hard. I haven't seen a bus in the past five minutes or so."

Ms. Smith frantically turns her head around to examine the scene. The lady was right, there isn't a bus in sight. She looks to the corner of the street and sees a short man wearing black shades. In his tense hands, he grasps a thick and taut leash to which an excited, barking dog is attached to the end. The man yells, "I'm so sorry, he just gets playful sometimes!"

The lady who helped her up says, "Are you sure you are OK? Maybe you got a concussion."
"No, really, I'm OK. You can let me go now. I live blocks away from here. I just want to go home. Thanks for your help."
"Ok, take it easy, will ya?"
"Ok".

Befuddled, Ms. Smith takes a moment to make sure all her belonging are intact. She starts a careful and confusing way home. Her stomach begins to grumble. Noticing the yellow glow of the Subway restaurant sign on her right, she decides to grab a bite to eat. All those miracles in one day can make a person hungry, you know.