My Interview with a Hollywood Celebrity

Hello there, Mr./Mrs._______. Thank you for taking some time out of your busy schedule to chat with me. Let's get started, ok?

Uh huh

So how are you?

What?

How are you?

Umm...I'm ok, I guess.

You guess?

Yeah, just a little bummed out. I prayed to God with my red Kabbalah string for like, 40 seconds, but I still didn't get my dream boat. Diddy ruins everything.

Wow, I'm sorry to hear that.

Whatever. But I'm working on "Jaws 4 - Teeth in the Reef", so that extra 10 million should get, like, half the boat I want.

"Jaws 4", huh? Is that really necessary?

Well, it's what I can do to feed my kids. There's no way I'm going to send them to PUBLIC school! I only consult the Post-Mortem High Kabbalah Priest Rabbi L. Ron Hubbard Shlomo when it comes to elementary educational matters. Public school is for thetans.

What in the world do you believe?

I believe that each person creates their own destiny. I also believe that my bologna has a first name, that name being O-S-C-A-R.

Now did you really have to spell out the name? You could have just said, "Oscar".

Shut it, you thetan communist.

That was harsh! Forget it, tell me about "Jaws 4". What is the storyline?

What do you think? It's about a freaking shark that eats people! Only this time, the shark has a fish friend named Nemo. Nemo only nibbles on the victim's toes to make them laugh.

Sounds pathetic.

It really is. What am I doing with my life? At least I get to make out with Sharon Stone in the movie...she wears this really short-cut dress and then...

Ok, that's enough! I think our time is up.

Whatever. Do I get paid for this?

No. It's called free publicity.

Sounds like a rip-off. But then again, I get paid millions of dollar to pretend, so it's not like I need the money. I...

Goodbye.

ABC Special - "The 10 (Thousand) Fabrications"

Wow......

This is really bad. Please, if you do anything tomorrow night, avoid the second part of "The Ten Commandments". In the first five minutes alone, there's enough inaccuracy and bad acting to make your eyes roll into the back of your head. And like I'm supposed to believe that Moses, the Jew, had blue eyes, light skin and spoke like someone trying to cover up a Scottish accent. Did the producers even consult the Bible at all? They've turned a prominent historical figure who couldn't speak well and stuttered, someone who had incredible problems managing his anger into Moses van Daam.
Take a gander at this snappy dialogue...

"Sometimes God and I argue..he always wins."

Oh yeah, and on that same token...please prove to the world that Tom Cruise is irrelevant by not watching that interview on Friday night. Since when did Diane Sawyer turn into Mary Hart?

Ants in the Pants

Twin Cities residents have a disease that is much-too-common throughout the United States. The disease is prominent primarily in large cities. Sometimes that isn't the case, and the disease affects only people who have stressful jobs and/or lifestyles. The disease is called "Ants in the Pants" and it strikes without mercy, leaving millions of strung-out people in its wake.

Typical symptoms of "Ants in the Pants" include -
- Running up and down escalators, asking people blocking their paths to move out of the way.
- Pushing the elevator close buttons as soon as someone exits
- Calling their acquaintances's cell phones repeatedly until that person picks up
- Pushy behavior with any kind of restaurant wait staff
- Constantly flipping radio stations to find the "perfect" song, then immediately flipping through again after the song ends
- Creating new "lanes" on the highway in order to pass or push their way into another lane

To these people, I have a short and simple message - "RELAX! Take some ritalin, play some classical music and just calm down!"

And I say that in the most tranquil manner possible.

Back to School - Part 2!

So guess what?! I was accepted into college! So starting in January 2007, I'll be a school nerd, woohoo! I'm not retarded, not retarded, not retarded....

Back to School

Just starting to write this post reminds me of the film, "Billy Madison". Adam Sandler's character is waiting for the bus to take him to his first day of kindergarten and before the bus flies by to leave him standing there, lunchbox in hand, looking like an idiot, he begins to sing, "Back to school, back to school, I hope I don't look like a fool..".

Well, while sitting at work and feeling frustrated, I got a huge kick in the side of the head. Not a literal one but a mental one, mind you. "GO BACK TO SCHOOL! NOW!", the foot kicking my head screamed. So I recovered from the blow, thought about it, and made a very loose decision. I'm going back to school! A request for information from a college about a mile from home is on it's way. The school is a community college; very cheap, but has a wonderful two-year program in which you can complete all your general courses and they are all transferable to any MNSCU college. All of this for under (if tuition doesn't change too much) $7,000 TOTAL. Why didn't I do this to begin with?

I still have some of my college books, so I can study ahead and for the ACT I should re-take as well. My goal is to get a score of 25 within a year from now and then make my final college decision. Then it's loan time. ICK

Pigs and the Bible

I'm currently a part of a large messageboard that has recently started a new dicussion which basically tries to disprove the Bible, specifically the Old Testament.

These people will bring up laws created in 1400 B.C. and then use them as 'proof' of the Bible's irrelevance today. A very popular argument has been brought up time and time again - God's commandment to abhor pigs in many a different circumstance. You can read his laws re this in several O.T. books, including Dueteronomy and Leviticus.

People - please - read very carefully. God's laws always had and always will have a purpose!

The command to not consume meat from, or touch pigs was a huge revelation at the time the books of Exodus, Dueteronomy and Leviticus was written, around 1445 B.C.. Why was this such a huge revelation? Well, as you can imagine, 'medicine' at that time was very immature. Blood-letting had begun around 3000 B.C and that stuck around longer than anyone could have ever imagined. So you can picture the confusion and awe that was created from God's commandment to abhor swine.

Why the commandment and why was it so special? Pigs were and are today known scavengers. They will eat practically anything, which then causes them to ingest tapeworms and develop parasites. Those people who had/have regular contact with pigs are at a heightened risk to acquire these parasites and tapeworms and as a result, develop liver and lung tumors and trichenosis. Pig farmers today still have to be incredibly careful in certain farming practices in order to prevent attaining these diseases.

Considering that many Jews at the time of their exodus from Egypt were shepherds of livestock, (including pigs) that commandment was an absolute divine protection from an unseen harm. Also consider that NO ONE at that time, except the Israeli Jews themselves, received and then practiced this law! It was a huge milestone in public health hygeine practices.

Several Old Testament books provide more of a historical and social backdrop than suggestions to alter our current laws and commandments. Practicing Jews and specific Christian denominations choose to abide by the past laws to ignore swine, shellfish and other meats as a source of food even today. Whether we decide to do this or not, (I do not) the important thing is to practice it not for the sake of tradition alone, but to show it as our personally chosen practice to honor God.

Romans 14:6-8a addresses this-

"Those who have a special day for worshiping the Lord are trying to honor him. Those who eat all kinds of food do so to honor the Lord, since they give thanks to God before eating. And those who won't eat everything also want to please the Lord and give thanks to God. For we are not our own masters when we live or when we die. While we live, we live to please the Lord."

I Need This!

Ever seen the movie, "The Jerk"? It was made in the 70's and it stars Steve Martin as, well, a "Jerk". His character came from the slums and as a result of a bizarre set of circumstances, eventually became a multi-millionaire. However, when the very product which turned him into a rich man, the "Opti-Grab", a sort of nose handle for eyeglasses, turned out to be a literal eye magnet, he became bankrupt and ended up on the streets. Before he left his mansion, he decided to make a rant aimed at his wife. He stormed out, yelling "I don't need you! I don't need anything!", until he spotted an ashtray. He began to pull random items from his home and ended up alone on the street dragging his pants and holding an elegant chair, a paddleball, ashtray, and a lamp.

I wonder why we as a people decide what we 'need'. And why do these 'needs' differ so much from person to person? We all start out the same way, in the womb. We had our sources of life in that one tiny little bubble; food, oxygen, silence. Now I can understand how needs will differ based on location and living arrangements, but where do the following 'needs' come from?

"I need a BMW"
"I need an $80,000 dress"
"I need a TV in every other room in my house"
"I need a sensor that e-mails my phone when the mail arrives at my house" (These things DO exist!)
"I need a remote for the lights in my house"
"I need a movie theater in my house"

A need should be something required for survival. A want is a want, no matter how diligently you strive for it. The 'needs' listed above are extravagant, yes. The majority of people, even in America, could not see or possibly afford those luxuries. However, middle-income earners can have special 'needs', too.

-Daily coffee from any other place besides the tin can you bought at the grocery store
-Weekly pizza deliveries
-CD's and DVD's
-Cable TV
-Cigarettes and Alcohol
-Jamba Juice
-Eating out at restaurants/fast food places
-Relatively expensive vacations

Now I'm guilty of 'needing' most of the items in that second list. But I'm making the following resolution : To pray daily about one thing I can let go, one 'need' I can do without, if even for just one day. Here's the question, though - What will you do with the money you save by refraining from any item in any list? Save it up for bigger 'needs'? Or to use it for someone, some idea, or some place that actually has legitimate needs they cannot afford?

Why Do I Live Here?

It's cold up here.

How cold is it, Ellie?

Well, it's so cold that while walking outside for a maximum of maybe 2 minutes, my eyelids were beginning to freeze shut.

It's so cold, that when walking by a movie theater last night, a spilled glass of pop had frozen so quickly that you could see the physical carbonation stuck to the ground.

And speaking of movies, it's so cold that when my friend and I went to see, "The Second Chance", during what was possibly the last few minutes of the film, the theater's spinkler system froze and cracked open, spewing water everywhere at the front entrance. This caused all the films to stop and the emergency lights to flip on. We never did get to see the end of it.

It's so cold that even if you were to lather lotion on your hands and then stand outside for a minute or so and come in, your skin would look like the bark on a tree.

It's so cold that your nasal cavities freeze in a matter of seconds.

It's so cold that I've now decided to become a hermit for the remainder of winter and into the first month of "Spring". I've made up some imaginary friends and we're going to watch movies, play board games, and have a rousing rendition of "truth or dare". And you're not invited!

All because it's so cold.

Doggie Duet - Happy Valentine's Day!

I promise to get back into actually writing on this blog soon, but in the meantime, here's something to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day. This cracked me up.

http://www.hallmark.com/ECardWeb/ECV.jsp?a=0114491724316M95813378Y

Umm....Ew

http://cgi.ebay.com/Toe-Nails-Buy-my-Toenails-There-Clean-and-Fresh-Cut_W0QQitemZ5662074476QQcategoryZ1469QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem