Time to Move...Again!

So how many times in 6 years does this upcoming time make it?

Oh, I don't know, maybe 14 times!!!!!!

Argh. Maybe I should go for a record: 30 times by the time I'm 30. I'm well on my way to getting there very quickly!

Don't Knock it 'Til You've Tried It!

This is what my hometown does for fun every november during "Norsefest" - Race an outhouse on wheels through a chalk-drawn track. Notice the lovely hand-painted "Uff Da" on the side. Don't let the roll of toilet paper or the candy bar fall from the side poles, or more seconds will be added to your time! I tried this once, before it had wheels and needed to be carried by four people, 2 on each side. Those were the days of Old School Toilet Racing.
Mem'ries.......In the corner of my miiiiiiiind

Crazy Ideas to Pay for College

Argh. I need to pay for school in sixth months. How in the world am I going to do that?! I've jotted down several ideas and need your opinion on the best one to take.

- Llama farm
- Monkey Farm
- Breed a llama and a monkey together. Farm them. For what, I have no clue.
- Create a "Name Your Own Burger" restaurant. You don't eat the burger, just name it.
- Donate plasma. Eight times a week for three months.
- Bounce around the country on a pogo stick and pick up sponsorship along the way.
- Sell an arm. (note - can only be done twice)
- Sell a leg (see additional note above)
- Learn how to breed arms and legs so I can sell them.
- Learn how to play the piano with my butt, and make a mockery of myself on stage for money.
- Force Fabio out of the "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" franchise.
- Audition for Saturday Night Live. Heck, I already know that I'm better than Jimmy Fallon.
- Start a fast-food franchise that sells only ice cream. Call it the "Lactose Regeime" or "Dairy Oligarchy".
- Oh yeah, there's always the taking out of yet another freaking loan. NOOOO!

Worst.Website Homepage.Ever

And it's my last name! I'm not related to these people...I don't think.

http://www.leohner.com

Workplace Commandments

Well, sadly to say, the following commandments are necessary at my workplace. Do these even need to be stated? You would think it would be common-sense knowledge, but NO.

- Thou shalt not hold conversations in the public restroom. Come on, people are trying to take care of their business and your talking with a co-worker about childbirth does not make them comfortable or help the "process".

- Thou shalt not congregate in large groups around a copy machine or printer. The same goes for exits to the elevator banks or stairwells.

- Thou shalt not listen to one song, 8 hours a day, every weekday with your computer speakers on. Buy some headphones!

- Keep your cell phone ringer on vibrate or silent. Please. Hearing the elephant waltz every time your spouse calls can be very irritating to others.

- Thou shalt not belch so the entire side of the floor can hear it.

- Thou shalt not return from the restroom and then inform your co-workers about the 'process' (mentioned earlier) you just endured.

- People with loud, constant, and annoying laughs with fast vibratos should not be employed in large companies.

- Thou shalt not call the support center for assistance because you forgot to turn on your computer screen.

- Thou shalt not eat fish or stinky vegetables in your cube. The 2.5 foam filled walls do not enclose the smell!

- Thou shalt not smoke half a pack of cigarettes and then immediately get in a packed elevator. P-U!

May Day? Come on!

So I'm walking in the skyways to get some lunch on Monday and decide to head to Chipotle. When I arrive, I see that the lights inside are dimmed and there is a sign on the door. The sign declares that the restraurant did not have enough employees to be open that day because of the immigration strike. So, while turning around and heading to another place, two other people approach the store. One of them says, "Oh, it looks like they are closed today...there's a sign on the door." The other said, "Oh! It's closed for May day!".

Umm.....yeah. That's it. All the Chipotle employees took the day off to hold long colored ribbons and dance around a tall pole.

My Interview with a Hollywood Celebrity

Hello there, Mr./Mrs._______. Thank you for taking some time out of your busy schedule to chat with me. Let's get started, ok?

Uh huh

So how are you?

What?

How are you?

Umm...I'm ok, I guess.

You guess?

Yeah, just a little bummed out. I prayed to God with my red Kabbalah string for like, 40 seconds, but I still didn't get my dream boat. Diddy ruins everything.

Wow, I'm sorry to hear that.

Whatever. But I'm working on "Jaws 4 - Teeth in the Reef", so that extra 10 million should get, like, half the boat I want.

"Jaws 4", huh? Is that really necessary?

Well, it's what I can do to feed my kids. There's no way I'm going to send them to PUBLIC school! I only consult the Post-Mortem High Kabbalah Priest Rabbi L. Ron Hubbard Shlomo when it comes to elementary educational matters. Public school is for thetans.

What in the world do you believe?

I believe that each person creates their own destiny. I also believe that my bologna has a first name, that name being O-S-C-A-R.

Now did you really have to spell out the name? You could have just said, "Oscar".

Shut it, you thetan communist.

That was harsh! Forget it, tell me about "Jaws 4". What is the storyline?

What do you think? It's about a freaking shark that eats people! Only this time, the shark has a fish friend named Nemo. Nemo only nibbles on the victim's toes to make them laugh.

Sounds pathetic.

It really is. What am I doing with my life? At least I get to make out with Sharon Stone in the movie...she wears this really short-cut dress and then...

Ok, that's enough! I think our time is up.

Whatever. Do I get paid for this?

No. It's called free publicity.

Sounds like a rip-off. But then again, I get paid millions of dollar to pretend, so it's not like I need the money. I...

Goodbye.

ABC Special - "The 10 (Thousand) Fabrications"

Wow......

This is really bad. Please, if you do anything tomorrow night, avoid the second part of "The Ten Commandments". In the first five minutes alone, there's enough inaccuracy and bad acting to make your eyes roll into the back of your head. And like I'm supposed to believe that Moses, the Jew, had blue eyes, light skin and spoke like someone trying to cover up a Scottish accent. Did the producers even consult the Bible at all? They've turned a prominent historical figure who couldn't speak well and stuttered, someone who had incredible problems managing his anger into Moses van Daam.
Take a gander at this snappy dialogue...

"Sometimes God and I argue..he always wins."

Oh yeah, and on that same token...please prove to the world that Tom Cruise is irrelevant by not watching that interview on Friday night. Since when did Diane Sawyer turn into Mary Hart?

Ants in the Pants

Twin Cities residents have a disease that is much-too-common throughout the United States. The disease is prominent primarily in large cities. Sometimes that isn't the case, and the disease affects only people who have stressful jobs and/or lifestyles. The disease is called "Ants in the Pants" and it strikes without mercy, leaving millions of strung-out people in its wake.

Typical symptoms of "Ants in the Pants" include -
- Running up and down escalators, asking people blocking their paths to move out of the way.
- Pushing the elevator close buttons as soon as someone exits
- Calling their acquaintances's cell phones repeatedly until that person picks up
- Pushy behavior with any kind of restaurant wait staff
- Constantly flipping radio stations to find the "perfect" song, then immediately flipping through again after the song ends
- Creating new "lanes" on the highway in order to pass or push their way into another lane

To these people, I have a short and simple message - "RELAX! Take some ritalin, play some classical music and just calm down!"

And I say that in the most tranquil manner possible.

Back to School - Part 2!

So guess what?! I was accepted into college! So starting in January 2007, I'll be a school nerd, woohoo! I'm not retarded, not retarded, not retarded....