I'm Not Dead!....I'm Getting Better!

That's right, I'm still alive. Barely.

In the process of purchasing a new laptop (my current one dies when I talk to it in a certain way) and will do my best to post here on a regular basis once said laptop is...in my lap. HAHA! Boy I'm tired.

Anyway. Expect these upcoming subjects. This will be a good reminder for me to not forget as well.

Stupid Radio Commercials

Why Oprah Sucks (That's right, I said it! Who's with me?)

Right and Wrong - How do we tell the difference?

Questions I'd like to ask God (serious and not-so-serious)

Dirty Jobs (the show)

Political Campaign Commercials

I think that's all for now. Check in when you can and I'll make an effort to post on here at least once a month. That is, if you still have an interest.

My Magazine Cover Blurbs

If I owned a magazine, the cover words would look something like this -

"Jennifer Aniston talks about Dr. Scholls, the movie, "Son of the Mask" and why the paparazzi both "Sucks and Blows"

"How to please your man by going away forever!"

"Are your kids addicted to cheese?"

"Why Linda Blair hates green pea soup"

" "Celebrity Duets": Who are these people?"

"Makeup tips to help you look like a banshee for the fall"

"Cat and Mouse - Why must they fight?"

"Saddam Hussein picks the 50 best dressed of 2006"

"Who told Ben Affleck he could act?........REALLY, WHO DID IT?!"

"How to lose weight by amputation"


I need help.

Wide Awake Nightmare

Wow, it's been almost a month since my last post on here. What a shame. Sorry about that, things have been crazy since the move out of the cities (YES!) early this month. What an absolute relief! I'll try to post on here as often as possible, but a dial-up connection really doesn't afford much of that kind of opportunity.

Anyway, so I'm watching TV while eating breakfast this morning and I see something almost unbelievable. So apparently there's this popular show on TV called "The View" (yes, I know lots about this show, just being sarcastic here). The premise is that 4 middle-aged to post-menopausal women gripe about the news, their personal lives (concurrently sharing WAY too much information) and each other. Then they get these celebrities guests on and lose all journalistic integrity by morphing into the biological class known as "homo sapien gushesforattentionus". How this show has stayed on the air for almost 10 years is beyond me. WHY?!?!?!

Back to the commercial. There's some sort of Broadway theme, so Rosie O'Donnell immediately appears, of course. Her devil horns are cleverly hidden underneath a black cap (maybe she wasn't wearing a cap, can't remember). Then she begins.........to........"Sing". AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! So do the rest of the cast! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! They warble on about how they can't dance or sing (then why are you doing it?!) and are going to "Shake up the View". Yes, please, shake up the view. Shake up the view of my tv so that channel goes to black during the 10am hour. I'm begging.

After the singing, there's some bizarre fast-moving closeup of a barn owl with a lisp. This magical owl says something like, "You are all stars to me!". Shut up, owl. You are choking on a bone from your daily diet of rodent news consisting of MessNBC, CNN and the New York Times. Nobody likes barn owls.

This is the sign of the end-times.

"And I saw a dragon with the face of Starr Jones come down from the sky. She roared, "Give me free stuff, I'm a lawyer!". After my denial of her request, the dragon vanished and Rosie O'Donnell took it's place. With her immediate out-of-tune warbling of tunes from the cursed musical, "Suessical", fire began to rain down on earth from heaven....."

Anything you'd like to add?

Don't You Forget...

September 11th.

Spoiled Brat Alert!

Wow,

It's been a while since I last posted on here. Let me just say that everyone should listen to

http://www.lauraingraham.com

at least once in their lifetime. She has a daily weekday morning radio program (from 8am-11am central) you can listen to online. Her "spoiled brat alert" today cracked me up. It has to do with CNN interviewing this prissy brat who was in Lebanon with family and complained that the evacuation boat deck was hot, that it took too long, and how 'sad' the food service was. Give me a break! Laura really rips into her and the interview at the link below. Enjoy!

Spoiled Brat Alert! - Jul 20, 2006

And you know what? I'm going to create another post tomorrow about the disgrace of the media relating the Israeli/Hezbollah conflict to Hurricane Katrina. HOW DARE YOU!?

Call a Chicken a Chicken

Wow,

The democrats really are standing up for themselves this week. They had the chance to reject a bill which would spend more money on the Iraq war and what did they do?

They "let" it pass, overwhelmingly

Then today they also had the chance to show that they want to pull out troops from Iraq and what also happened?

They rejected it, overwhelmingly.

Why does anyone vote for this party? They don't even act on what they believe!

Bill Dispute..Where's My Accountant? (AKA the GAO)

Inspired by today's Michael Medved broadcast, here's a list of Federal U.S. Committees and Agencies. About 99% of these should be erased, shouldn't they? What is the point of federal $ going to any of these programs? And why should we (the taxpayers) foot the $800 BILLION bill to fund all of this? C'mon people, this is twice the amount of $ we're spending in Iraq, that should make a difference........right? Right?

http://www.lib.lsu.edu/gov/alpha

What do you think?

Time to Move...Again!

So how many times in 6 years does this upcoming time make it?

Oh, I don't know, maybe 14 times!!!!!!

Argh. Maybe I should go for a record: 30 times by the time I'm 30. I'm well on my way to getting there very quickly!

Don't Knock it 'Til You've Tried It!

This is what my hometown does for fun every november during "Norsefest" - Race an outhouse on wheels through a chalk-drawn track. Notice the lovely hand-painted "Uff Da" on the side. Don't let the roll of toilet paper or the candy bar fall from the side poles, or more seconds will be added to your time! I tried this once, before it had wheels and needed to be carried by four people, 2 on each side. Those were the days of Old School Toilet Racing.
Mem'ries.......In the corner of my miiiiiiiind

Crazy Ideas to Pay for College

Argh. I need to pay for school in sixth months. How in the world am I going to do that?! I've jotted down several ideas and need your opinion on the best one to take.

- Llama farm
- Monkey Farm
- Breed a llama and a monkey together. Farm them. For what, I have no clue.
- Create a "Name Your Own Burger" restaurant. You don't eat the burger, just name it.
- Donate plasma. Eight times a week for three months.
- Bounce around the country on a pogo stick and pick up sponsorship along the way.
- Sell an arm. (note - can only be done twice)
- Sell a leg (see additional note above)
- Learn how to breed arms and legs so I can sell them.
- Learn how to play the piano with my butt, and make a mockery of myself on stage for money.
- Force Fabio out of the "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" franchise.
- Audition for Saturday Night Live. Heck, I already know that I'm better than Jimmy Fallon.
- Start a fast-food franchise that sells only ice cream. Call it the "Lactose Regeime" or "Dairy Oligarchy".
- Oh yeah, there's always the taking out of yet another freaking loan. NOOOO!