"El Autobus" - Act One, Scene 2

Ms. Smith has now found a seat in which to hunker down for her ride home. For now, she is relatively comfortable, as the ride hasn't merged onto the interstate or even a major street. She decides to make the best of this next minute 1/2 in the best way she knows how - to pray. "Please, don't let me die!"

The bus, after turning the corner onto the first major street has now arrived at it's first stop since Ms. Smith's arrival. Ten people who are obviously very warm and cranky, creep up the tiny bus stairway and make their way towards a seat. Two women who appear to be good friends or at least work associates, wink at Ms. Smith. They know how stressful this ride can make anyone on here, especially Ms. Smith. They jokingly close their eyes and make the sign of the cross. All of this is unknown to "Blind as a Bat" driver, as the two women are sitting directly behind her chair and the glass wall barricade between them. The two women lean over and whisper to Ms. Smith and point:

"You should sit here, behind her. Then you can't see ahead of you, only just to the left."
"Thanks! That actually sounds like a good idea. I'll do that"

Ms. Smith makes her way to the left side and picks a seat, just as the bus has started to move again. BAAB unexpectedly and quickly swerves to the furthest left lane and if she hadn't noticed the man in the red taurus behind her, she would have undoubtedly pushed him up and over the concrete island. Instead of checking the traffic behind her and safely moving to the right to let the taurus pass, she instead speeds up (as quickly as a 20-ton vehicle can speed up in one block) and holds her emergency horn down until they both approach the double-laned exit to 394. While both of them are sitting and waiting for the exit light to turn green, the red taurus creeps up beside BAAB and flips the bird. BAAB laughs, pulls the microphone to her mouth and yells over the P.A.,

"DID YOU SEE THAT? HE FLIPPED ME OFF. THAT MAKES ME WANT TO PUSH HIM INTO THE CONTRETE WALL. SOMETIMES I TRY TO SCARE THEM SO THEY GET THE MESSAGE AND LEAVE ME ALONE. SOME PEOPLE DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE, I TELL YA"

Ms. Smith frantically searches in her work bag to find a pen and the closest thing to a peice of paper. She scribbles the bus number, exact time and bus route, location and double-checks to see that the Transit Line is in the address book of her cell phone. She then looks ahead (big mistake) through the wide front window to witness the trouble that is about to ensue.

The bus is approaching 394 at break-neck speed while remaining traffic is at a standstill.

Ms. Smith looks over at her two bus associates and says,

TO BE CONTINUED...

"El Autobus" - Act One, Scene 1

The following is based on actual events. Although some of this is completely made up, unfortunately, a lot of it isn't. Some of the verbal exchange is actually written as close to verbatim as possible. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

ACT I , SCENE 1

We find Ms. Smith standing on the street corner across from her work place, patiently waiting for her evening bus ride home. After a while, she pulls out her cell phone to check on the time and realizes that her ride is late. Extremely late. Ms. Smith starts to fidget, shifting her balance from foot to foot and occasionally looking back to see if there's any sign of a bus heading her direction. Another minute passes. And another. Her other companions who are also waiting for the same bus decide to each pull out another cigarette, figuring that they still have enough time on their hands to get in another drag. Finally, as Ms. Smith concludes that she would be better off going back inside to cool off and catch the next bus (she knows some of her future already) for a safer, calmer ride, she hears the rumbling of the metro bus, the squeaking brakes, and sees her ride pull up to the stop. Ms. Smith, as calmly as possible, steps inside and pulls out her bus fare ticket. She slides it into the meter and wishes that all will hopefully go well. The meter spits out the ticket, calling it 'misread', refusing to deduct any amount from the remaining $14 left on the card. The driver, an older woman with long white hair, glasses as thick as her obvious southern accent, watches this event and says:

"Did you take that ticket in to the metro office?"
"No, I didn't know I had to do that"
"The next time the meter declines that ticket, I'm not going to let you on this bus"
"Fine. Though this is your fault.
"Why?"
"This ticket was working perfectly until I got on your route home yesterday evening. When I put the ticket into the slot, your meter sucked it up, paused, spit it out and sucked it up again. Ever since last night, I can't get this ticket to work properly."
"Well, it's not my fault"
"Yes, it is."
"You don't have to get angry with me, I didn't do anything."
"I'm not even close to angry, don't put emotions into my head. You are telling me that I have to take this ticket into a metro transit office because your meter screwed it up? What time does the office downtown open?"
"8 AM"
"I have to be here at 7:30 in the morning. What time does it close?
"5 PM"
"I can't leave work early. This bus doesn't even pick me up until quarter after five. And I know the office isn't open on the weekends, right?"
"That is correct."
"So I have to waste this ticket I bought for $20 that still has $14 left on it and buy another one? Seems like a good scam to me."
"You don't have to get upset."
" I'm not upset, drive your freaking bus home. Just don't kill me while doing it."
"SIT DOWN!"
"Whatever. You better watch your back. I have an exotic spiky fruit I'm going to chuck at your head when you least expect it."

SCENE TWO WILL BE POSTED TOMORROW. FEEL FREE TO INSERT ANY CREATIVE IDEAS AS TO WHERE THIS STORY WILL END UP. I WILL, HOWEVER, STILL INSERT SOME ACTUAL EVENTS (ALTHOUGH NAMES AND PLACES WILL BE CHANGED) TO SHOW THE RIDICULOUSNESS OF MY DAILY ROUTE HOME. IF YOU ARE CONFUSED AS TO WHY THIS SUBJECT IS BEING DISCUSSED, PLEASE REFER TO THE PREVIOUS POST ENTITLED, "OTTO, PLEASE". THANK YOU.

Through the Voice of a Child

Yesterday I went to a BBQ in South Minneapolis. The owners of the home have two children, a 2-week baby and a two-year old boy. I'll now offer the translation of certain words through this boy's understanding. You'll be amazed at the clarity.

vicky = "geeky"
ellie = "ewee"
car = "carrrrrr"
help = "uuuuuuhhh"
Jean = "nini"
green tractor = "geen gacker"
loader = "lolo"
kittie = "kiggee"
chair = "tear"
baby = "bobby"
shoe = "soo"

It all makes so much sense, doesn't it?

Otto, Please!

Ok, so i just starting working at this place in Golden Valley, which requires me to ride the bus to and from home. No biggie, as I've ridden the bus MANY a time. Compare those costs to what it would be with a car and insurance, and it saves hundreds, if not thousands of $ a year!
Anyway. So the first time I hopped on the route home I stepped onto unknown (and soon to be obvious) unsafe territory.
Picture this bus driver in your head: an old lady, somewhere in her 60's. Long hair as white as snow. Glasses as thick as a the bottom of a glass bottle. Now assume as to what her driving talents could possibly be, based on those facts alone. Now factor in that her driving teacher was most likely Evil Knievel.
I have never been so terrified as a bus passenger as I am now. Hopefully her shift will change very soon and she'll be assigned to a new route. I've heard that all the drivers rotate every two weeks or so.
I hopped on the bus thursday evening, sat in a comfy seat and assumed that this would be a nice relaxing 10-minute ride home. Think again. She would NOT stop talking! Not only that, but everyone could hear it because she moved the microphone to her mouth so it was broadcast over the P.A. system. She gave a 5-minute lecture on how the bus rates would go up by a quarter the next day. Then the remaining 5 were her slamming on the brakes, cutting off traffic on the interstate (even other busses!), yelling in her microphone to tell other drivers to get out of the way (as if they could even hear her at all), and honking the horn at just about anything that seemed to move in front of, beside or blocks away. AAAAH!
During today's ride I just sunk my nails into the foam seat ahead of me and prayed. Occasionally, that prayer was interrupted by silent screaming and gasping but I think He got the drift. I had expected to arrive downtown to hear screaming on the sidewalk and flying baby carriages, but luckily that didn't happen. YET. Ironically, after hopping off the mobile tunnel of terror I felt the sudden need to see "War of the Worlds". I highly recommend it!
Where's Otto the bus driver when you need him? He would be a vast improvement.

...And Darkness Covered the Earth

Ok, So I'm sitting here checking my e-mail and such and decide to check my blog when all of a sudden, my apartment immediately turns pitch black. I look outside and the clouds are a turquoise. What I originally thought were skateboarders messing around outside turned out to be a continuous stream of thunder that has so far lasted for 10 minutes straight. A minute later, I decide to gather up my courage and witness that the street in front of my building is now a river. Checking startribune.com, I see that this severe storm has already ripped through the western portion of the states, creating funnel clouds and ripping the roofs off several homes. Currently, the wind is so strong that combined with the rain, its actually visible. The rain sounds as though a bunch of kids are throwing pebbles at my window. Lightening has now arrived and the thunder is so strong that my lamp flickers and the building shakes with every boom. Amazing how a single storm can make you feel so insignificant, hmm?
Okay, I should probably sign off before the electricity cuts out or I get zapped.........ASRTOL;IUJAWERLKJASDFLK;JASDFASJ;L


DKFJASLD;KFJAS!(@(!(@

OW!

The Puppy Peave

Why are pets, more specifically, dogs, allowed to be treated, dressed and fed like human beings? Why do some people have this scary obsession which is completely irrelevant to the dog, except in the case for that dog to be horribly spoiled?
A few weeks ago, a dear friend of mine decided to go puppy shopping. After looking online in the classified ads, she saw a specific breed they wanted and decided to drive 6 hours one-way to IOWA for this puppy. Once the puppy was in their possession, she forgot one crucial aspect to having this dog: checking with her apartment manager to see if she could actually have it in her building. After having the dog in her place for over two weeks, she discovered that it was not an option. The apartment manager who lives DIRECTLY above her inevitably discovered the dog and told her she had until noon the next day to get the dog out. So this friend MOVED. INTO ANOTHER BUILDING THAT DOESN'T ACCEPT PETS. The manager for that building decided to give in to her request, so she was extremely lucky in that regard. Ever since that move, the behavior has been shocking.
Why let a puppy drink pop? Why let a dog lick your face after it has licked its genitals for over five minutes? What is the point of leaving someone a phone message to impersonate and bark as your DOG? Why bring your untrained dog into someone's newly carpeted and furnished home, when it could have stayed with a friend who was more than happy to take care of it? This woman's family even threw a 'puppy shower' for this dog. This same family has also admittedly given their pets BAPTISMS. WHY?! A dog cannot tell its own tail apart from another dog's, but apparently it can accept Jesus as its savior and promise to live its own little doggy life in accordance with Christ's. Smart dog, I tell ya.
All I can say up to this point is that if I decide to get a dog, it's name will be "DOG". It will eat the dog food that has been placed in its appropriate dish on the floor and nothing else. It will drink tap water from another dish on the floor. If I have a home at that point, it will sleep outside. Maybe in a dog house, maybe not. You don't see wild dogs living in little wooden homes out in the fields, do you? Who knows, maybe PETA will get on that and create a fundraiser for that purpose alone.
When my dog dies (and it will, people, dogs are not immortal!), there shall be no funeral. I'll use the $ I spent on dog food for the past 13 years or so and save it up to buy a didgeridoo or something.

But I'm not bitter, really!

Weirdness

It may be the weather, it may be the season, but whatever is going on.... things are weird. It's incredibly warm and freaking humid outside and I hate it. My only wall that faces the outside world is practically a giant window, which in turn is acting like a giant solar panel every morning. My A/C is cranked down to what it says is 45 degrees but is actually at least 75. IT'S HOT! And to show just how weird things have become for me in the last few weeks, here's a recap-

- Bought the new backstreet boys cd, and have already listened to it in it's entirety. Back in the good ol' days of 1997-2000, my bedroom walls were plastered with their posters and magazine cut-outs and had almost every video they ever made and albums from australia and germany and japan.......but now I'm 23. What's going on? And I actually like the new CD! WHOA!

-Cab drivers have taken over my apartment building. THEY ARE EVERYWHERE. LITERALLY. They sit, waiting to pounce on the valet guy once he blows his whistle across the street at the Hyatt. They congregate outside the entrance, they stare at everyone who passes. I can't wait until road construction is finished and they move back to their original place a block over.

-I got my dad's 401K check in the mail, amounting to a little under $600. He was alive for 46 years and had a total amount in a 401K of under $1600. Now I can never say that I didn't get anything out of the relationship, but an actual father-daughter relationship would have been nice.

-My friends who live a few blocks over have started to act and speak like puppies. More on that subject in a new post, which shall be entitled "the puppy peave".

-One of my dearest friends from high school was married a couple of weeks ago. this required travel to my hometown of madison. enough said.

Freaking hey, why is everything feeling so wierd?

Catching Up

Wow, it's amazing how the time flies when you're on a break from everything. Job interview after job interview has occurred, but no success yet. I could feel last week that my mood was beginning to falter and perhaps that a little depression had set in. So I did nothing all last week, practically nothing. Granted, I did apply for a few more positions but decided that all of this searching was more draining than inspiring. Thank God for friends. He decided that my reward for calling up a friend to vent and cry had earned the priviledge to a pool party and a fabulous evening with a wonderful family. Then, ironically enough, during this pool party I met several people who offered to be a referral/reference and who would also refer my resume to several open positions in their department. I have a few more interviews this upcoming week and the next. The unemployment office recommended that I get internet access at home and to look at my current job search as an actual job, by putting in at least 30 hours a week for that purpose alone. So today internet access was hooked up and I'm now fully recharged and ready to apply. BRING IT ON!

Terry - Pt. 2

Well, I told you this would finally be posted. And it only took several months. Argh, I need to get the internet set up on my computer, and quick!

R.I.P., Terry. May I one day be able to forget-

--Those who believed that the persons "for life" were comparable to the Taliban.
--Those who believed that placing suspicious packages outside courtrooms could influence a judicial decision (regardless of what it was).
--The Judges who repeatedly refused to re-insert Terry's tube, because it wasn't "constitutional"
--The liberal media who used their tarnished clout to contort the truth and then air their political stance to all their viewers.

Until then, all I remember the best are

--Those who rallied outside your room in favor to save your life.
--Those who were arrested for breaking the law in order to get you a simple glass of water.
--Your unbelievable family, who fought for your life every step of the way.
--The Bush family, who while recognizing the importance enacting in a 'constitutional' manner, realized that life should always get the benefit of the doubt.
--Those who prayed for your peace of mind, your strength and your RIGHT to life.

hey again

Yeah, I know it's been a while since the last, but I've been busy with stuff. Really! It took me almost 10 minutes to wash my hair the other day. Crazy. Oh yeah, there was also the 'finding a job before my rent is due' bit. So what's going on with you? I'll try and find a topic before my time on here is up. Oops, too late!