Does anyone remember the film, "Jerry Maguire"? If so, you may recall the scene where Mr. Cruise (I know psychiatry!) is sitting on the couch, drunk, chatting with his soon-to-be wife's child, played by Jonathan Lipnicki. In the middle of this non-sensical conversation, the kid perks up and says "I wanna go to the zoo! Let's go to the zoo!". Whatever happened to that kid? I wanna know, because that kid needs a punch in the face. Wait, sorry there, hormones are acting crazy......the guy who wrote that line needs a punch in the face. I LOVE CHILDREN! So for now, Mr. Lipnicki, you are safe....until the day "Like Mike 2" comes to theaters.
Recently, I've been called a zoo-keeper. Why a zookeeper? Well, my apartment has turned into the perfect space to witness mice, bats and caterpillars in their "natural" environment. A couple of weeks ago as I'm walking to my apartment I notice something sticking to the hallway wall. What is it? A bat, and not a tiny one. I thought it would transform into Nosferatu at any given second. The next day it had disappeared.
Shortly after Nosferatu's unwelcomed visit, I noticed short little brown lines on my apartment walls and ceiling. Because my eyesight isn't that great and because my walls are pretty high, I had assumed that they were cracks beginning to develop. The next day about 10 more "cracks" arrived. It wasn't until I had stood on a chair and stretched as close as I could to see these cracks that I had realized the misconception. These were not cracks, but caterpillars. To this day I cannot find their entry point into the apartment. That was two weeks ago, and more and more of these creatures show up at a rate of 7 per day.
Then on the friday before labor day, I sat down at the computer to relax and enjoy the start of my three-day weekend when I heard the undeniable sound of scratching behind the oven and fridge. That means only one thing: MICE. I got up from my chair and reached for a flashlight to see one of the critters walk smack-dab onto a sticky trap and start to squeak. Only it's back side was stuck, so it tried to drag itself across my kitchen floor with its front, tiny paws. Finally after contorting its body into ungodly ways it gave up and rested by my oven, where it began to chew on the oven sides. "Please chew through a gas line and take this building up and away!", were my thoughts. So I stayed with relatives that weekend, hoping that it would die before I got home that next tuesday. Luckily it did.
Then on the following friday, I came back to the apartment to check things out. About 25 caterpillars on my walls? Check. The unmistakeable smell of rodents, possibly dead ones in the walls or my A/C vent? Check. I walked on the carpet and heard "EEEEEE!" What the heck!? Is there a mouse underneath the carpet and I just happen to be squishing the poor creature? No, I didn't see any tremors (or Kevin Bacon). Walked a few more steps in another direction - "EEEEE!". $%%#!@)#)!)%$%%#!@)#)!)% Then some plastic bags on the floor by my countertop started to rustle. I'm beginning the think that the ghost of "Little Mousie Chews My Oven" has taken over the place.
In the meantime, I'm staying with relatives until moving day this saturday (CAN'T WAIT! AAAAH!). Got home today to see that the caterpillars are still coming, and finding solace in making little cocoons in my bedspread. That would have been nice to know before I took a quick nap in there yesterday. FRICKING DEMON MOUSE CATERPILLER NOSFERATU BUILDING!
The managers are going to start showing my apartment to potential residents soon. I'm hoping that when they enter the room that a giant winged bat-rat with red eyes, its mouth full of caterpillars lunges at them. That or maybe I'll borrow the neighbor's cat (the building is a no-pets building) to crap on the floor. Any suggestions?
