If I owned a magazine, the cover words would look something like this -
"Jennifer Aniston talks about Dr. Scholls, the movie, "Son of the Mask" and why the paparazzi both "Sucks and Blows"
"How to please your man by going away forever!"
"Are your kids addicted to cheese?"
"Why Linda Blair hates green pea soup"
" "Celebrity Duets": Who are these people?"
"Makeup tips to help you look like a banshee for the fall"
"Cat and Mouse - Why must they fight?"
"Saddam Hussein picks the 50 best dressed of 2006"
"Who told Ben Affleck he could act?........REALLY, WHO DID IT?!"
"How to lose weight by amputation"
I need help.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
Wide Awake Nightmare
Wow, it's been almost a month since my last post on here. What a shame. Sorry about that, things have been crazy since the move out of the cities (YES!) early this month. What an absolute relief! I'll try to post on here as often as possible, but a dial-up connection really doesn't afford much of that kind of opportunity.
Anyway, so I'm watching TV while eating breakfast this morning and I see something almost unbelievable. So apparently there's this popular show on TV called "The View" (yes, I know lots about this show, just being sarcastic here). The premise is that 4 middle-aged to post-menopausal women gripe about the news, their personal lives (concurrently sharing WAY too much information) and each other. Then they get these celebrities guests on and lose all journalistic integrity by morphing into the biological class known as "homo sapien gushesforattentionus". How this show has stayed on the air for almost 10 years is beyond me. WHY?!?!?!
Back to the commercial. There's some sort of Broadway theme, so Rosie O'Donnell immediately appears, of course. Her devil horns are cleverly hidden underneath a black cap (maybe she wasn't wearing a cap, can't remember). Then she begins.........to........"Sing". AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! So do the rest of the cast! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! They warble on about how they can't dance or sing (then why are you doing it?!) and are going to "Shake up the View". Yes, please, shake up the view. Shake up the view of my tv so that channel goes to black during the 10am hour. I'm begging.
After the singing, there's some bizarre fast-moving closeup of a barn owl with a lisp. This magical owl says something like, "You are all stars to me!". Shut up, owl. You are choking on a bone from your daily diet of rodent news consisting of MessNBC, CNN and the New York Times. Nobody likes barn owls.
This is the sign of the end-times.
"And I saw a dragon with the face of Starr Jones come down from the sky. She roared, "Give me free stuff, I'm a lawyer!". After my denial of her request, the dragon vanished and Rosie O'Donnell took it's place. With her immediate out-of-tune warbling of tunes from the cursed musical, "Suessical", fire began to rain down on earth from heaven....."
Anything you'd like to add?
Anyway, so I'm watching TV while eating breakfast this morning and I see something almost unbelievable. So apparently there's this popular show on TV called "The View" (yes, I know lots about this show, just being sarcastic here). The premise is that 4 middle-aged to post-menopausal women gripe about the news, their personal lives (concurrently sharing WAY too much information) and each other. Then they get these celebrities guests on and lose all journalistic integrity by morphing into the biological class known as "homo sapien gushesforattentionus". How this show has stayed on the air for almost 10 years is beyond me. WHY?!?!?!
Back to the commercial. There's some sort of Broadway theme, so Rosie O'Donnell immediately appears, of course. Her devil horns are cleverly hidden underneath a black cap (maybe she wasn't wearing a cap, can't remember). Then she begins.........to........"Sing". AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! So do the rest of the cast! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! They warble on about how they can't dance or sing (then why are you doing it?!) and are going to "Shake up the View". Yes, please, shake up the view. Shake up the view of my tv so that channel goes to black during the 10am hour. I'm begging.
After the singing, there's some bizarre fast-moving closeup of a barn owl with a lisp. This magical owl says something like, "You are all stars to me!". Shut up, owl. You are choking on a bone from your daily diet of rodent news consisting of MessNBC, CNN and the New York Times. Nobody likes barn owls.
This is the sign of the end-times.
"And I saw a dragon with the face of Starr Jones come down from the sky. She roared, "Give me free stuff, I'm a lawyer!". After my denial of her request, the dragon vanished and Rosie O'Donnell took it's place. With her immediate out-of-tune warbling of tunes from the cursed musical, "Suessical", fire began to rain down on earth from heaven....."
Anything you'd like to add?
Friday, August 04, 2006
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