The Intolerance of Elton John

Elton John - I Love his music. At least I used to, anyway. Check out this beauty of an interview:

Elton John Interview

Let me disseminate this for you, in case the stupidity of these statements has left a dark haze over your eyes. If you are a secularist, feel free to stand up and applaud Mr. John's statements. Ok, sit down, now.

"I think religion has always tried to turn hatred toward gay people," ....."Religion promotes the hatred and spite against gays."

What do you consider a religion, Elton? Narcissism definitely counts as one. Celebrities have this notion that since they have the power of popularity, they can use media outlets to promote whatever kind of viewpoints they hold and then not expect a retort from anybody, and ESPECIALLY not a negative retort. You are not God, Elton, at least not to anyone but yourself. You have not set the standard for right and wrong. That was taken care of on the top of a mountain over 4,000 years ago (another post subject to come). I doubt that if directed to, Mr. John could point out a single verse in the Bible (assuming he refers to Christianity in this diatribe against religion) which would illuminate his beliefs above.

See, tolerance is a two-way street. Someone could easily point me out as a homophobe (I'm not, and don't even attempt to accuse me of that!) because of my belief that homosexuality is wrong on all counts. However, I would come back at that same person and accuse them of being "intolerant" of my set of standards. Believing that a person can do anything they want and not be deserving of judgement from another or the consequence of that person's actions is not tolerance, its ignorance. Ignorance of right and wrong, ignorance of God, and certainly ignorance of the truth. Yes, there is a truth for everything, truth is not a creation of Western religion and it does not vary for every person. Judgement is shown to the person who walks into a job interview with an application that states a past criminal record and to the person who decides to wear a brown belt with black shoes (both are a big no-no). Judgement is given to the parent who can't calm their screaming 2-year old in the aisle of a Target store and to the person who talks on a cell phone in a crowded elevator. What do you do with that judgement though? Do you ignore it when convenient, or do you search for the reasons as to why it was handed down upon you? Or do you accuse an entire set of ideals and way of life for billions of people on this planet of promoting the hatred of gay people? Not once did Elton John say that religious dissent was aimed toward the sexual ACTS of homosexuality. No, to him religion directs hatred to gay PEOPLE? Give me a break!

"From my point of view, I would ban religion completely. Organized religion doesn't seem to work. It turns people into really hateful lemmings and it's not really compassionate."

Organized religion (excluding narcissism) is a saving grace for billions. Secularism is a risk, spreading to all within earshot of a radio, newspaper, television or the internet. Those who participate successfully in organized religion do their best to avoid the quick-spreading plague of secularism, and that infuriates liberals. They don't understand a Christian's reasoning and as long as they proudly hold the label, 'liberal', never will. And they will never cease until the mantra of "I'm Ok if you're OK" is ground into, replayed, and spit out of everyone's Central Nervous System grammaphone. A lemming doesn't jump off a cliff because it's brain, suddenly warped by it's Christian lifestyle, told it to. Organized religion was created from the inspiration of the compassion and peace that God Himself gracefully handed down upon us, JUDGEMENT FREE!

John also criticized religious leaders for failing to do anything about conflicts around the world.

"Why aren't they having a conclave? Why aren't they coming together?"

So Mr. John wants the religious leaders of the world, people who lead a religion(s) he thinks should be banned because of it's ineptitude and lack of response to crisis to have a conclave and come together to help save the world? Does anyone else see the hypocrisy in this statement? That would be comparable to me saying, "Well, I sure do hate the KKK and believe it should be banned completely, but they should really commune together and do something about this whole racism thing.".

"It's like the peace movement in the '60s. Musicians got through to people by getting out there and doing peace concerts, but we don't seem to do them any more," he said. "If John Lennon were alive today, he'd be leading it with a vengeance."

I don't believe for a second that those peace concerts did much of anything for the attendants but give them a large open, grassy space to smoke weed in mass. (In mass? That kinda sounds like a church!) Everything is relevant to someone high on weed!

"Did you see that cat cross the street?"
"Yeah, I did. It was HILARIOUS!"
"Did you hear about the civilian deaths in Iraq today?"
"Uh-huh. We have to create a movement, let's go to Iraq and get every solider out of there! Man, I need another toke."

The peace movement of the 60's didn't do much. Vietnam, Korea, the Gulf War, and Desert Storm all still occured, no matter how many hundreds of "peace concerts" were performed in the grassy fields in Northern California. Stupid people still shoved daisies into National Guard's rifles to "make a point". Apparently, someone on weed will believe that a single daisy will prevent a rifle from rocketing a steel bullet propelled by gunpowder out the end of it's barrel.
If Mr. Lennon were alive today, I would dare Elton John to ask him where Lennon's notion of "peace" came from. And if he asked enough questions, the creation of peace would undboutedly point to God. A God who set the standard for all humans, the same humans who fail miserably at every attempt to reach these standards. It doesn't mean we have to stop trying. And we certainly don't have the right to blame organized religion for standards we refuse to acknowledge.

We all have choices in life. For me, my current choice was made from that of a consumer's standpoint. I will no longer buy Elton John albums, and the ones I currently own will be shoved in a box labeled "garage sale".

Or would that choice just reflect my intolerance?

I'm Not Dead!....I'm Getting Better!

That's right, I'm still alive. Barely.

In the process of purchasing a new laptop (my current one dies when I talk to it in a certain way) and will do my best to post here on a regular basis once said laptop is...in my lap. HAHA! Boy I'm tired.

Anyway. Expect these upcoming subjects. This will be a good reminder for me to not forget as well.

Stupid Radio Commercials

Why Oprah Sucks (That's right, I said it! Who's with me?)

Right and Wrong - How do we tell the difference?

Questions I'd like to ask God (serious and not-so-serious)

Dirty Jobs (the show)

Political Campaign Commercials

I think that's all for now. Check in when you can and I'll make an effort to post on here at least once a month. That is, if you still have an interest.

My Magazine Cover Blurbs

If I owned a magazine, the cover words would look something like this -

"Jennifer Aniston talks about Dr. Scholls, the movie, "Son of the Mask" and why the paparazzi both "Sucks and Blows"

"How to please your man by going away forever!"

"Are your kids addicted to cheese?"

"Why Linda Blair hates green pea soup"

" "Celebrity Duets": Who are these people?"

"Makeup tips to help you look like a banshee for the fall"

"Cat and Mouse - Why must they fight?"

"Saddam Hussein picks the 50 best dressed of 2006"

"Who told Ben Affleck he could act?........REALLY, WHO DID IT?!"

"How to lose weight by amputation"


I need help.

Wide Awake Nightmare

Wow, it's been almost a month since my last post on here. What a shame. Sorry about that, things have been crazy since the move out of the cities (YES!) early this month. What an absolute relief! I'll try to post on here as often as possible, but a dial-up connection really doesn't afford much of that kind of opportunity.

Anyway, so I'm watching TV while eating breakfast this morning and I see something almost unbelievable. So apparently there's this popular show on TV called "The View" (yes, I know lots about this show, just being sarcastic here). The premise is that 4 middle-aged to post-menopausal women gripe about the news, their personal lives (concurrently sharing WAY too much information) and each other. Then they get these celebrities guests on and lose all journalistic integrity by morphing into the biological class known as "homo sapien gushesforattentionus". How this show has stayed on the air for almost 10 years is beyond me. WHY?!?!?!

Back to the commercial. There's some sort of Broadway theme, so Rosie O'Donnell immediately appears, of course. Her devil horns are cleverly hidden underneath a black cap (maybe she wasn't wearing a cap, can't remember). Then she begins.........to........"Sing". AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! So do the rest of the cast! AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! They warble on about how they can't dance or sing (then why are you doing it?!) and are going to "Shake up the View". Yes, please, shake up the view. Shake up the view of my tv so that channel goes to black during the 10am hour. I'm begging.

After the singing, there's some bizarre fast-moving closeup of a barn owl with a lisp. This magical owl says something like, "You are all stars to me!". Shut up, owl. You are choking on a bone from your daily diet of rodent news consisting of MessNBC, CNN and the New York Times. Nobody likes barn owls.

This is the sign of the end-times.

"And I saw a dragon with the face of Starr Jones come down from the sky. She roared, "Give me free stuff, I'm a lawyer!". After my denial of her request, the dragon vanished and Rosie O'Donnell took it's place. With her immediate out-of-tune warbling of tunes from the cursed musical, "Suessical", fire began to rain down on earth from heaven....."

Anything you'd like to add?

Don't You Forget...

September 11th.

Spoiled Brat Alert!

Wow,

It's been a while since I last posted on here. Let me just say that everyone should listen to

http://www.lauraingraham.com

at least once in their lifetime. She has a daily weekday morning radio program (from 8am-11am central) you can listen to online. Her "spoiled brat alert" today cracked me up. It has to do with CNN interviewing this prissy brat who was in Lebanon with family and complained that the evacuation boat deck was hot, that it took too long, and how 'sad' the food service was. Give me a break! Laura really rips into her and the interview at the link below. Enjoy!

Spoiled Brat Alert! - Jul 20, 2006

And you know what? I'm going to create another post tomorrow about the disgrace of the media relating the Israeli/Hezbollah conflict to Hurricane Katrina. HOW DARE YOU!?

Call a Chicken a Chicken

Wow,

The democrats really are standing up for themselves this week. They had the chance to reject a bill which would spend more money on the Iraq war and what did they do?

They "let" it pass, overwhelmingly

Then today they also had the chance to show that they want to pull out troops from Iraq and what also happened?

They rejected it, overwhelmingly.

Why does anyone vote for this party? They don't even act on what they believe!

Bill Dispute..Where's My Accountant? (AKA the GAO)

Inspired by today's Michael Medved broadcast, here's a list of Federal U.S. Committees and Agencies. About 99% of these should be erased, shouldn't they? What is the point of federal $ going to any of these programs? And why should we (the taxpayers) foot the $800 BILLION bill to fund all of this? C'mon people, this is twice the amount of $ we're spending in Iraq, that should make a difference........right? Right?

http://www.lib.lsu.edu/gov/alpha

What do you think?

Time to Move...Again!

So how many times in 6 years does this upcoming time make it?

Oh, I don't know, maybe 14 times!!!!!!

Argh. Maybe I should go for a record: 30 times by the time I'm 30. I'm well on my way to getting there very quickly!

Don't Knock it 'Til You've Tried It!

This is what my hometown does for fun every november during "Norsefest" - Race an outhouse on wheels through a chalk-drawn track. Notice the lovely hand-painted "Uff Da" on the side. Don't let the roll of toilet paper or the candy bar fall from the side poles, or more seconds will be added to your time! I tried this once, before it had wheels and needed to be carried by four people, 2 on each side. Those were the days of Old School Toilet Racing.
Mem'ries.......In the corner of my miiiiiiiind

Crazy Ideas to Pay for College

Argh. I need to pay for school in sixth months. How in the world am I going to do that?! I've jotted down several ideas and need your opinion on the best one to take.

- Llama farm
- Monkey Farm
- Breed a llama and a monkey together. Farm them. For what, I have no clue.
- Create a "Name Your Own Burger" restaurant. You don't eat the burger, just name it.
- Donate plasma. Eight times a week for three months.
- Bounce around the country on a pogo stick and pick up sponsorship along the way.
- Sell an arm. (note - can only be done twice)
- Sell a leg (see additional note above)
- Learn how to breed arms and legs so I can sell them.
- Learn how to play the piano with my butt, and make a mockery of myself on stage for money.
- Force Fabio out of the "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter" franchise.
- Audition for Saturday Night Live. Heck, I already know that I'm better than Jimmy Fallon.
- Start a fast-food franchise that sells only ice cream. Call it the "Lactose Regeime" or "Dairy Oligarchy".
- Oh yeah, there's always the taking out of yet another freaking loan. NOOOO!

Worst.Website Homepage.Ever

And it's my last name! I'm not related to these people...I don't think.

http://www.leohner.com

Workplace Commandments

Well, sadly to say, the following commandments are necessary at my workplace. Do these even need to be stated? You would think it would be common-sense knowledge, but NO.

- Thou shalt not hold conversations in the public restroom. Come on, people are trying to take care of their business and your talking with a co-worker about childbirth does not make them comfortable or help the "process".

- Thou shalt not congregate in large groups around a copy machine or printer. The same goes for exits to the elevator banks or stairwells.

- Thou shalt not listen to one song, 8 hours a day, every weekday with your computer speakers on. Buy some headphones!

- Keep your cell phone ringer on vibrate or silent. Please. Hearing the elephant waltz every time your spouse calls can be very irritating to others.

- Thou shalt not belch so the entire side of the floor can hear it.

- Thou shalt not return from the restroom and then inform your co-workers about the 'process' (mentioned earlier) you just endured.

- People with loud, constant, and annoying laughs with fast vibratos should not be employed in large companies.

- Thou shalt not call the support center for assistance because you forgot to turn on your computer screen.

- Thou shalt not eat fish or stinky vegetables in your cube. The 2.5 foam filled walls do not enclose the smell!

- Thou shalt not smoke half a pack of cigarettes and then immediately get in a packed elevator. P-U!

May Day? Come on!

So I'm walking in the skyways to get some lunch on Monday and decide to head to Chipotle. When I arrive, I see that the lights inside are dimmed and there is a sign on the door. The sign declares that the restraurant did not have enough employees to be open that day because of the immigration strike. So, while turning around and heading to another place, two other people approach the store. One of them says, "Oh, it looks like they are closed today...there's a sign on the door." The other said, "Oh! It's closed for May day!".

Umm.....yeah. That's it. All the Chipotle employees took the day off to hold long colored ribbons and dance around a tall pole.

My Interview with a Hollywood Celebrity

Hello there, Mr./Mrs._______. Thank you for taking some time out of your busy schedule to chat with me. Let's get started, ok?

Uh huh

So how are you?

What?

How are you?

Umm...I'm ok, I guess.

You guess?

Yeah, just a little bummed out. I prayed to God with my red Kabbalah string for like, 40 seconds, but I still didn't get my dream boat. Diddy ruins everything.

Wow, I'm sorry to hear that.

Whatever. But I'm working on "Jaws 4 - Teeth in the Reef", so that extra 10 million should get, like, half the boat I want.

"Jaws 4", huh? Is that really necessary?

Well, it's what I can do to feed my kids. There's no way I'm going to send them to PUBLIC school! I only consult the Post-Mortem High Kabbalah Priest Rabbi L. Ron Hubbard Shlomo when it comes to elementary educational matters. Public school is for thetans.

What in the world do you believe?

I believe that each person creates their own destiny. I also believe that my bologna has a first name, that name being O-S-C-A-R.

Now did you really have to spell out the name? You could have just said, "Oscar".

Shut it, you thetan communist.

That was harsh! Forget it, tell me about "Jaws 4". What is the storyline?

What do you think? It's about a freaking shark that eats people! Only this time, the shark has a fish friend named Nemo. Nemo only nibbles on the victim's toes to make them laugh.

Sounds pathetic.

It really is. What am I doing with my life? At least I get to make out with Sharon Stone in the movie...she wears this really short-cut dress and then...

Ok, that's enough! I think our time is up.

Whatever. Do I get paid for this?

No. It's called free publicity.

Sounds like a rip-off. But then again, I get paid millions of dollar to pretend, so it's not like I need the money. I...

Goodbye.

ABC Special - "The 10 (Thousand) Fabrications"

Wow......

This is really bad. Please, if you do anything tomorrow night, avoid the second part of "The Ten Commandments". In the first five minutes alone, there's enough inaccuracy and bad acting to make your eyes roll into the back of your head. And like I'm supposed to believe that Moses, the Jew, had blue eyes, light skin and spoke like someone trying to cover up a Scottish accent. Did the producers even consult the Bible at all? They've turned a prominent historical figure who couldn't speak well and stuttered, someone who had incredible problems managing his anger into Moses van Daam.
Take a gander at this snappy dialogue...

"Sometimes God and I argue..he always wins."

Oh yeah, and on that same token...please prove to the world that Tom Cruise is irrelevant by not watching that interview on Friday night. Since when did Diane Sawyer turn into Mary Hart?

Ants in the Pants

Twin Cities residents have a disease that is much-too-common throughout the United States. The disease is prominent primarily in large cities. Sometimes that isn't the case, and the disease affects only people who have stressful jobs and/or lifestyles. The disease is called "Ants in the Pants" and it strikes without mercy, leaving millions of strung-out people in its wake.

Typical symptoms of "Ants in the Pants" include -
- Running up and down escalators, asking people blocking their paths to move out of the way.
- Pushing the elevator close buttons as soon as someone exits
- Calling their acquaintances's cell phones repeatedly until that person picks up
- Pushy behavior with any kind of restaurant wait staff
- Constantly flipping radio stations to find the "perfect" song, then immediately flipping through again after the song ends
- Creating new "lanes" on the highway in order to pass or push their way into another lane

To these people, I have a short and simple message - "RELAX! Take some ritalin, play some classical music and just calm down!"

And I say that in the most tranquil manner possible.

Back to School - Part 2!

So guess what?! I was accepted into college! So starting in January 2007, I'll be a school nerd, woohoo! I'm not retarded, not retarded, not retarded....

Back to School

Just starting to write this post reminds me of the film, "Billy Madison". Adam Sandler's character is waiting for the bus to take him to his first day of kindergarten and before the bus flies by to leave him standing there, lunchbox in hand, looking like an idiot, he begins to sing, "Back to school, back to school, I hope I don't look like a fool..".

Well, while sitting at work and feeling frustrated, I got a huge kick in the side of the head. Not a literal one but a mental one, mind you. "GO BACK TO SCHOOL! NOW!", the foot kicking my head screamed. So I recovered from the blow, thought about it, and made a very loose decision. I'm going back to school! A request for information from a college about a mile from home is on it's way. The school is a community college; very cheap, but has a wonderful two-year program in which you can complete all your general courses and they are all transferable to any MNSCU college. All of this for under (if tuition doesn't change too much) $7,000 TOTAL. Why didn't I do this to begin with?

I still have some of my college books, so I can study ahead and for the ACT I should re-take as well. My goal is to get a score of 25 within a year from now and then make my final college decision. Then it's loan time. ICK

Pigs and the Bible

I'm currently a part of a large messageboard that has recently started a new dicussion which basically tries to disprove the Bible, specifically the Old Testament.

These people will bring up laws created in 1400 B.C. and then use them as 'proof' of the Bible's irrelevance today. A very popular argument has been brought up time and time again - God's commandment to abhor pigs in many a different circumstance. You can read his laws re this in several O.T. books, including Dueteronomy and Leviticus.

People - please - read very carefully. God's laws always had and always will have a purpose!

The command to not consume meat from, or touch pigs was a huge revelation at the time the books of Exodus, Dueteronomy and Leviticus was written, around 1445 B.C.. Why was this such a huge revelation? Well, as you can imagine, 'medicine' at that time was very immature. Blood-letting had begun around 3000 B.C and that stuck around longer than anyone could have ever imagined. So you can picture the confusion and awe that was created from God's commandment to abhor swine.

Why the commandment and why was it so special? Pigs were and are today known scavengers. They will eat practically anything, which then causes them to ingest tapeworms and develop parasites. Those people who had/have regular contact with pigs are at a heightened risk to acquire these parasites and tapeworms and as a result, develop liver and lung tumors and trichenosis. Pig farmers today still have to be incredibly careful in certain farming practices in order to prevent attaining these diseases.

Considering that many Jews at the time of their exodus from Egypt were shepherds of livestock, (including pigs) that commandment was an absolute divine protection from an unseen harm. Also consider that NO ONE at that time, except the Israeli Jews themselves, received and then practiced this law! It was a huge milestone in public health hygeine practices.

Several Old Testament books provide more of a historical and social backdrop than suggestions to alter our current laws and commandments. Practicing Jews and specific Christian denominations choose to abide by the past laws to ignore swine, shellfish and other meats as a source of food even today. Whether we decide to do this or not, (I do not) the important thing is to practice it not for the sake of tradition alone, but to show it as our personally chosen practice to honor God.

Romans 14:6-8a addresses this-

"Those who have a special day for worshiping the Lord are trying to honor him. Those who eat all kinds of food do so to honor the Lord, since they give thanks to God before eating. And those who won't eat everything also want to please the Lord and give thanks to God. For we are not our own masters when we live or when we die. While we live, we live to please the Lord."

I Need This!

Ever seen the movie, "The Jerk"? It was made in the 70's and it stars Steve Martin as, well, a "Jerk". His character came from the slums and as a result of a bizarre set of circumstances, eventually became a multi-millionaire. However, when the very product which turned him into a rich man, the "Opti-Grab", a sort of nose handle for eyeglasses, turned out to be a literal eye magnet, he became bankrupt and ended up on the streets. Before he left his mansion, he decided to make a rant aimed at his wife. He stormed out, yelling "I don't need you! I don't need anything!", until he spotted an ashtray. He began to pull random items from his home and ended up alone on the street dragging his pants and holding an elegant chair, a paddleball, ashtray, and a lamp.

I wonder why we as a people decide what we 'need'. And why do these 'needs' differ so much from person to person? We all start out the same way, in the womb. We had our sources of life in that one tiny little bubble; food, oxygen, silence. Now I can understand how needs will differ based on location and living arrangements, but where do the following 'needs' come from?

"I need a BMW"
"I need an $80,000 dress"
"I need a TV in every other room in my house"
"I need a sensor that e-mails my phone when the mail arrives at my house" (These things DO exist!)
"I need a remote for the lights in my house"
"I need a movie theater in my house"

A need should be something required for survival. A want is a want, no matter how diligently you strive for it. The 'needs' listed above are extravagant, yes. The majority of people, even in America, could not see or possibly afford those luxuries. However, middle-income earners can have special 'needs', too.

-Daily coffee from any other place besides the tin can you bought at the grocery store
-Weekly pizza deliveries
-CD's and DVD's
-Cable TV
-Cigarettes and Alcohol
-Jamba Juice
-Eating out at restaurants/fast food places
-Relatively expensive vacations

Now I'm guilty of 'needing' most of the items in that second list. But I'm making the following resolution : To pray daily about one thing I can let go, one 'need' I can do without, if even for just one day. Here's the question, though - What will you do with the money you save by refraining from any item in any list? Save it up for bigger 'needs'? Or to use it for someone, some idea, or some place that actually has legitimate needs they cannot afford?

Why Do I Live Here?

It's cold up here.

How cold is it, Ellie?

Well, it's so cold that while walking outside for a maximum of maybe 2 minutes, my eyelids were beginning to freeze shut.

It's so cold, that when walking by a movie theater last night, a spilled glass of pop had frozen so quickly that you could see the physical carbonation stuck to the ground.

And speaking of movies, it's so cold that when my friend and I went to see, "The Second Chance", during what was possibly the last few minutes of the film, the theater's spinkler system froze and cracked open, spewing water everywhere at the front entrance. This caused all the films to stop and the emergency lights to flip on. We never did get to see the end of it.

It's so cold that even if you were to lather lotion on your hands and then stand outside for a minute or so and come in, your skin would look like the bark on a tree.

It's so cold that your nasal cavities freeze in a matter of seconds.

It's so cold that I've now decided to become a hermit for the remainder of winter and into the first month of "Spring". I've made up some imaginary friends and we're going to watch movies, play board games, and have a rousing rendition of "truth or dare". And you're not invited!

All because it's so cold.

Doggie Duet - Happy Valentine's Day!

I promise to get back into actually writing on this blog soon, but in the meantime, here's something to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day. This cracked me up.

http://www.hallmark.com/ECardWeb/ECV.jsp?a=0114491724316M95813378Y

Umm....Ew

http://cgi.ebay.com/Toe-Nails-Buy-my-Toenails-There-Clean-and-Fresh-Cut_W0QQitemZ5662074476QQcategoryZ1469QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem

Tired

If this doesn't make sense, don't blame me....I'm sooo tired and will refuse to remove any following typos.

And just for the heck of it, I'll write a song......it shall be named "The Tired Sleepy ZZZ Song....DON'T WAKE ME UP!"

I'm sooooooooooooooooooooo tired
It's 10:09 and I'm blogging about nothing
*slap slap*
wake up!

Are donkeys miniature horses?
Why do I love "Grey's Anatomy" so much?
Tiny little anvils are pulling down my eyelids
No, I'm not on crack!

My bologna has a first name, it's E-L-L-I-E
My bologna has a second name, it's T-Y-R-U-P-O-L-W-Q-C-X-V-N-M-N-S-M-I-T-H
Stairway to heaven
Oops, I did it again
It's the end of the world as we know it

And i fell fuiiiiiiiiiine

aero'ih;uj;aretg

Just Thought I'd Share...

A Snippet From Ellen Degeneres' Book, "My Point...And I Do Have One"

"Think about it. One hundred poodles are scarier than one leopard. That's assuming, of course that the leopard has no legs. You could come home, open the door and see a leopard with no legs sitting in your living room. So what could it do? It's got no legs. It would be growling away, and you could sit right in front of it and make faces and touch its nose and "Woo" at it.

The only way a no-legged leopard could hurt you is if it feell out of a tree onto your head. I don't know how it got up the tree, maybe some of the other animals lifted it up there. But you have to admit when that leopard fell on you and clamped down on your head with its teeth, it would be pretty bad. You'd start running down the street yelling, "Help, help me, please."

And more often than not, you'd run into a big group of animal-rights activists, a neugahyde of animal-rights activists. And, instead of helping, theyd probabably throw red paint at you. You would scream out, "It's not a hat, it's a live animal! It's got no legs. I would never wear fur. I am wearing it against my will."

So now you've got a live leopard on your head and paint all over you as well. That is pretty darn terrifying. But you know, I don't want to diminish the spider in my shoe. Believe me, loooking back, that was scary enough. I guess all I'm trying to say is you don't have to make stuff up, there are enough scary things in real life.