Tuesday, August 30, 2005
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
City Perks
Living in a rather large city definitely has its benefits. Lots of shopping, restaurants, entertainment, colleges, sports teams and places to work. Some of the non-permanent benefits include the occasional concert, traveling plays and musicals, prominent speakers, and presidential visits (especially during election years). And once in a rare while, big-name celebrities will come here to work on films. Most recently Lindsay Lohan, Kevin Kline, Meryl Streep, Lily Tomlin and Woody Harrelson spent several weeks in St. Paul for a feature film on Garrison Keillor. This past winter Mr. Harrelson, Sissy Spacek and Charlize Theron spent about the same amount of time on a film in Northern MN. Today was my first witness of a celebrity in downtown Minneapolis. And might I say that if all the following encounters are like this one, I'll take a definite pass on rubbing elbows with any of them again.
When getting ready to head out the door for work every weekday, I happen to listen to a local popular radio station that has a hilarious morning show. Yes, sometimes it can be a little crude, but most of it is in good taste. Their annual april fool's day pranks on listeners are enough to get you hooked. Today I was about to head out the door when one of the radio personalities announced that they were about to give out 3rd row tickets to a big-name concert this weekend. The only way someone could win them today was if their intern, Crisco, happened to talk with you and proposition you to do something in return for the tickets.
Well, today happened to be the day when Crisco was walking downtown, about 4 blocks from my apartment building. What was his offered proposition to any taker? In order to get these tickets, you had to pee yourself. See, apparently in some southern state very recently, this electronics store had a tremendous sale of 4-year old MAC laptops for $50. Obviously a stampede ensued so one woman had a brilliant idea that she could save her spot in line if she wet herself. So why wouldn't this twin cities station think it was a fabulous idea?
NO, I DID NOT PEE MYSELF. Get that horrible thought out of your head. I had enough time today to hear Crisco get refused flat-out by one woman and then set on my path to work. Wouldn't you know it, about 2 blocks from the building I look ahead and see Mr. Crisco on a cell phone (his communication with the station personalities) and two women standing to his side. These women looked extremely professional, clean-cut, but very young. So because of the latter fact, why wouldn't they agree to peeing in front of a perfect stranger? I heard enough of their conversation on the walk past that it made my skin crawl. "Oh, they way we would do it would be clean, it wouldn't take much time at all!". BLECH.
Oh the things people will do nowadays.
When getting ready to head out the door for work every weekday, I happen to listen to a local popular radio station that has a hilarious morning show. Yes, sometimes it can be a little crude, but most of it is in good taste. Their annual april fool's day pranks on listeners are enough to get you hooked. Today I was about to head out the door when one of the radio personalities announced that they were about to give out 3rd row tickets to a big-name concert this weekend. The only way someone could win them today was if their intern, Crisco, happened to talk with you and proposition you to do something in return for the tickets.
Well, today happened to be the day when Crisco was walking downtown, about 4 blocks from my apartment building. What was his offered proposition to any taker? In order to get these tickets, you had to pee yourself. See, apparently in some southern state very recently, this electronics store had a tremendous sale of 4-year old MAC laptops for $50. Obviously a stampede ensued so one woman had a brilliant idea that she could save her spot in line if she wet herself. So why wouldn't this twin cities station think it was a fabulous idea?
NO, I DID NOT PEE MYSELF. Get that horrible thought out of your head. I had enough time today to hear Crisco get refused flat-out by one woman and then set on my path to work. Wouldn't you know it, about 2 blocks from the building I look ahead and see Mr. Crisco on a cell phone (his communication with the station personalities) and two women standing to his side. These women looked extremely professional, clean-cut, but very young. So because of the latter fact, why wouldn't they agree to peeing in front of a perfect stranger? I heard enough of their conversation on the walk past that it made my skin crawl. "Oh, they way we would do it would be clean, it wouldn't take much time at all!". BLECH.
Oh the things people will do nowadays.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Remind Me Again...
..As to why I hate dating. Based on my current preferences, here's what I must do in order to meet my 'soul mate' (as if there ever were such a thing). Might I mention that this is BULLCRAP!
Your probability coefficient: 4.52578700220433E-10.
You have to meet 2,209,560,458 American single males who are between 21 and 33 years old.
They also have to meet these religious requirement(s):
- Protestant
- Other Christian
Note: We only have religion statistics for ALL American singles. Therefore, your religion probability was excluded.
You might have to move.
HMM, yeah I think I may have to move if it is necessary to meet a quarter of the world's population before I die.
Your probability coefficient: 4.52578700220433E-10.
You have to meet 2,209,560,458 American single males who are between 21 and 33 years old.
They also have to meet these religious requirement(s):
- Protestant
- Other Christian
Note: We only have religion statistics for ALL American singles. Therefore, your religion probability was excluded.
You might have to move.
HMM, yeah I think I may have to move if it is necessary to meet a quarter of the world's population before I die.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
My Soldier
Hey guys, if you have the time but don't know how to help out soldiers overseas, here's an idea. All you have to do is WRITE A LETTER. Sign up at the link below and you will be assigned your very own soldier. All the soldiers appreciate these letters so much. I've just finished my very first letter and will put it in the mail tomorrow. And don't worry, this is NOT a scam. It is 100% completely FREE, but they do suggest a $10 donation, which is not required to sign up. A donation envelope comes with your sign-up letter, "My Soldier" bracelet, and soldier contact information. This is a great and very cheap idea for church groups or elementary schools. All the information you need is at -
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Musical Bummer
Last month, my church worship pastor informed me that they were in need of some upcoming offering music for the month of august. I decided to sign up for a clarinet solo, even though the music was not yet decided. The church pianist and I had an initial meeting to decide what would be best to play, and to decide if a prelude peice was also needed. We eventually chose two songs - "God and God Alone" for the prelude and "Great is the Lord" for an offering peice, both for solo clarinet. I was especially excited about "Great is the Lord". It is a popular song written by Michael W. Smith, my favorite gospel artist. A very strong, intense and undeniably moving contemporary song that accomplishes what a great hymn also does - gives glory to God and praises His name. From the moment I heard this song, I've loved it and have had a dream to play it on any instrument for an offering. This has been an 8-year goal.
I had about 4 weeks to practice these songs and did so at least a couple of times a week for a 1/2 hour each time. Yesterday the accompianist and I met for a final practice which lasted over an hour. The big performances were set to happen today and although I was extremely nervous and way too critical of myself already (What if I squeak? I sound too strained on the high notes! AH, I can't get all the trills!), it was thrilling. A lot of hard work went into these songs, mainly because they are so well known and I didn't want to butcher them in front of an entire congregation. After our group band rehearsal this morning, I decided not to go to our regular coffee so the songs could be played through at least one more time. Sounded good. I walked around and saved my breath, didn't talk to anyone, said a few words of encouragement and just tried to keep myself as relaxed as possible.
Then it was the big moment. I got up on stage and began to play the prelude. It went great, way better than I had expected and I was at least happy to not have run out of air. There was still quite some time before the offering, so I sat down and again tried to reassure myself that everything would go well. Church announcements came and went. Then it was the recap of children's summer bible school and a very adorable song, complete with stomping feet and clapping hands and flying up into trees (not literally but lyrically, mind you). All of this was completely enjoyable until the kids started to exit the stage.
My eyes were literally about to bulge from their sockets when I witnessed three kids work their way between the performance microphone and the music stand holding my clarinet and sheet music. The stand began to waver and had stopped completely when another person bumped into it. The stand fell backwards, sending the clarinet bouncing off the piano behind it and dropping to the floor with a loud thud. It took all the self-control I could muster in order not to yell "SON OF A %(@)$!". While someone else picked up the stand, I crawled behind the piano to pick up the clarinet and inspect that everything was OK. No broken reed- GOOD! No cracked plastic - GOOD! But wouldn't you know it, the only button that is absolutely necessary to play every note except one was jammed open and unmoveable. By the way, this was the second time an instrument of mine has been dropped on stage and broken. My saxophone was dropped in plain view of the entire congregation once. Now three of the notes won't play.Luckily at the time of this accident, the audience was being entertained with a summer bible school slideshow. They didn't see my face flush red, walk over to the accompanist now sitting at the organ and say "My horn won't play, you will have to come up with your own offering music". AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How annoying! So the accompianist eventually just played the piano part for "Great is the Lord" by herself, while I sat there looking and feeling like an idiot while the entire congregation was wondering why another instrumentalist wasn't up there, as the bulletin had said would happen.
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! Just want to get that out in the open.
So now my peice of crap instrument is totally incapacitated and in desperate need of repair. Fortunately, the church offered to pay any repair costs and to ante up for an actually professional clarinet stand. But let me say, just for the heck of it, one more time -
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to eat an entire pizza now.
I had about 4 weeks to practice these songs and did so at least a couple of times a week for a 1/2 hour each time. Yesterday the accompianist and I met for a final practice which lasted over an hour. The big performances were set to happen today and although I was extremely nervous and way too critical of myself already (What if I squeak? I sound too strained on the high notes! AH, I can't get all the trills!), it was thrilling. A lot of hard work went into these songs, mainly because they are so well known and I didn't want to butcher them in front of an entire congregation. After our group band rehearsal this morning, I decided not to go to our regular coffee so the songs could be played through at least one more time. Sounded good. I walked around and saved my breath, didn't talk to anyone, said a few words of encouragement and just tried to keep myself as relaxed as possible.
Then it was the big moment. I got up on stage and began to play the prelude. It went great, way better than I had expected and I was at least happy to not have run out of air. There was still quite some time before the offering, so I sat down and again tried to reassure myself that everything would go well. Church announcements came and went. Then it was the recap of children's summer bible school and a very adorable song, complete with stomping feet and clapping hands and flying up into trees (not literally but lyrically, mind you). All of this was completely enjoyable until the kids started to exit the stage.
My eyes were literally about to bulge from their sockets when I witnessed three kids work their way between the performance microphone and the music stand holding my clarinet and sheet music. The stand began to waver and had stopped completely when another person bumped into it. The stand fell backwards, sending the clarinet bouncing off the piano behind it and dropping to the floor with a loud thud. It took all the self-control I could muster in order not to yell "SON OF A %(@)$!". While someone else picked up the stand, I crawled behind the piano to pick up the clarinet and inspect that everything was OK. No broken reed- GOOD! No cracked plastic - GOOD! But wouldn't you know it, the only button that is absolutely necessary to play every note except one was jammed open and unmoveable. By the way, this was the second time an instrument of mine has been dropped on stage and broken. My saxophone was dropped in plain view of the entire congregation once. Now three of the notes won't play.Luckily at the time of this accident, the audience was being entertained with a summer bible school slideshow. They didn't see my face flush red, walk over to the accompanist now sitting at the organ and say "My horn won't play, you will have to come up with your own offering music". AAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How annoying! So the accompianist eventually just played the piano part for "Great is the Lord" by herself, while I sat there looking and feeling like an idiot while the entire congregation was wondering why another instrumentalist wasn't up there, as the bulletin had said would happen.
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!! Just want to get that out in the open.
So now my peice of crap instrument is totally incapacitated and in desperate need of repair. Fortunately, the church offered to pay any repair costs and to ante up for an actually professional clarinet stand. But let me say, just for the heck of it, one more time -
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to eat an entire pizza now.
Monday, August 01, 2005
Yes, I Am a Hick
Yes, I am a country hick. A momentarily displaced hick, but a hick nonetheless. After living in the cities for what seems to be a century so far, I have come to embrace my hick-ness. These engraved characteristics and behaviors has previously been items of shame, but not anymore. So for now, before I forget, I will lay out the reasons as to why I'm proud to be a hick.
- I like Garth Brooks and the Dixie Chicks.
- In my former farm community, my high school was in the middle of a corn field, nine miles from the nearest town.
- It is possible at night to see the stars! LOTS of them! Can you do that in the city? I think not!
- Traffic Jams only occur when five vehicles are stuck behind a John Deere.
- When having a bonfire outside, it is necessary to keep your food in check so a coyote doesn't come from behind and grab it.
- Having school cancelled because of fog is always great!
- I can drive a pickup truck and not look like an idiot.
- When driving down the highway, you can tell what kind of farms are around just by the smell.
- When I graduated high school, I knew the first AND last names of every student in my grade.
- Homes, on average, cost $40,000. My first home in the country was three stories with a basement and large garage. It cost my mom $16,000.
- In certain towns, there are more bat problems than mouse problems.
- When giving directions to a farm, you say things like "Go 1.6 miles NE, turn left at the big blue silo, then go .7 miles W"
- Farm driveways are a 1/2 mile long.
- Our idea of fun "back in the day" was to drive to abandoned farms and just chat.
- When traveling to the homeland this past weekend, I was ridiculed for owning a cell phone.
- The only planes flying overhead are crop sprayers.
- I like Garth Brooks and the Dixie Chicks.
- In my former farm community, my high school was in the middle of a corn field, nine miles from the nearest town.
- It is possible at night to see the stars! LOTS of them! Can you do that in the city? I think not!
- Traffic Jams only occur when five vehicles are stuck behind a John Deere.
- When having a bonfire outside, it is necessary to keep your food in check so a coyote doesn't come from behind and grab it.
- Having school cancelled because of fog is always great!
- I can drive a pickup truck and not look like an idiot.
- When driving down the highway, you can tell what kind of farms are around just by the smell.
- When I graduated high school, I knew the first AND last names of every student in my grade.
- Homes, on average, cost $40,000. My first home in the country was three stories with a basement and large garage. It cost my mom $16,000.
- In certain towns, there are more bat problems than mouse problems.
- When giving directions to a farm, you say things like "Go 1.6 miles NE, turn left at the big blue silo, then go .7 miles W"
- Farm driveways are a 1/2 mile long.
- Our idea of fun "back in the day" was to drive to abandoned farms and just chat.
- When traveling to the homeland this past weekend, I was ridiculed for owning a cell phone.
- The only planes flying overhead are crop sprayers.
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