As an attempt to raise interest (and donations) to the churches of Minneapolis, I propose the following changes and additions -
- Mariache band at front entrance, lead singer must have the name "Jesus", although it may be pronounced as "Hay-soos".
- Baptismal font/pool filled with jello. Many who have been baptised in the waters of J.C. have complained about the bitter chlorine taste. (can be frozen and used for "Virgin Mary Jello Shot Fridays"!)
-Slot machines will now replace the standard offering plates. Every attendant must place at least one coin in the machine before passing the bouncers and security guards to the only exit. (Not a necessary precaution, but needed to insure a bulky offering)
- "Stupid Pet Tricks" every other Sunday worship. Each show must have a dog that can hula-hoop.
- After every hymn, the organist must stand up and yell, "Who's down with the G-O-D?" Congregation should respond, "We Are, We Are! WOOOOO!" Disco balls and strobe lights can be lowered at this time.
- Communion should be comprised of only kool-aid and reeses peices. Pastor must say "My peace I bring to you, as we eat Reeses Peacees with the Lord"
- Must have teenage dancing troup on every hymn. Applicants should be ready to do round-offs, windmills, handstands and backflips on cue. Please, no "running man" or "tootsie roll".
-Weekly demolition derby with used church busses in parking lot. Note: Guests musts move vehicles beforehand.
This proposition, in my opinion, would drastically create a large influx of guests, therefore creating a larger interest in J.C. J.C. always loved a good party. If you have any comments, suggestions, or additions, please post in the comments. Thank you.
Do you smell that? My soul is burning. AAAAAAAAH!
(please note - I am a devoted and serious Christian. The above is in no way a serious proposal. If you must complain, you must therefore GET A LIFE!)
Friday, February 25, 2005
Hi Everyone!
Well, this is officially my first online blog.
What do you think? Yeah, so far it's crap. But hopefully it will improve with age, like wine. Or in my case, someone who's really old and doesn't know much. I don't drink, OK?! Sue me.
No, please don't.
Enough of this rambling crap, I'M GOING HOME!
adios
ellie
My pic....don't laugh :P
What do you think? Yeah, so far it's crap. But hopefully it will improve with age, like wine. Or in my case, someone who's really old and doesn't know much. I don't drink, OK?! Sue me.
No, please don't.
Enough of this rambling crap, I'M GOING HOME!
adios
ellie
My pic....don't laugh :P
Terry
Hi All!
Wow, so this is a blog, huh? WOOOOOOOOOOOOOW. Ok, just had to get that out in the open. Won't happen again, I promise.
Well, with this being my very first blog, I thought to choose a topic which is very light-hearted, laugh-out-loud (LOL for those who speak the html dialect), freaking funny! No, I don't think I will. How about Terry Schiavo?
I'm sorry, but am I the last remaining person on earth who believes that every person regardless of handicap, gender, criminal background, ect., deserves life?
Over the lunch hour at work, while sitting with some co-workers at the table while watching CNN, a news brief appeared regarding Terry Schiavo, the woman whose husband and family have been going through every legal drama imaginable over the past 15 years in order to either take or save this woman's life. Her husband today got the ok to remove her feeding tube (and only life support) on March 15th. http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20050225/ap_on_re_us/brain_damaged_woman_27
Since when is it ever OK to take a person's life? Apparently to a very opinionated co-worker, it's OK when she can't answer a question, feed herself, or hold up her own head. Yes, Terry is 'brain dead' (what a horrible term). Yes, Terry can not do much more than breathe on her own and show limited facial expressions. She depends on a feeding tube in order to survive.
The opinion which revolts me almost more than anything is that a handicapped life is a life not worth living at all. A Handicap=Dependence on Others=Weakness. Why does a justifiable dependence on a person or machine give others the right to relinquish a person of their dignity and ultimately in this case, a person's LIFE? My mother just had knee surgery on Wednesday. Her lack of mobility doesn't mean she is weak, but rather that she is dependent. Dependent on crutches, dependent on ice packs, dependent on medication, dependent on others' service.
Stephen Hawking cannot speak without a computer, but he's a scientific genius. Christopher Reeves couldn't move anything below his jaw, his accident and charity work influenced one of the most controversial debates for a presidential race in recent history. But because Terry cannot independently move her body or feed herself, her life is worthless. Her husband is trying to prove to the courts that every person has a constitutional right to die. It isn't a right, buddy, its a certainty. You just want to choose the time and place. How is this not murder, or even the launching point for legalized assisted suicide?
Do you know what will happen once Terry's feeding tube is removed. Her body will physically starve and die. Of course, she will be pumped with so much drugs that her brain will be unaware of it, but her body will know the difference. Her brain will tell her that everything's all right, her body will tell itself that Terry is stuck in the middle of a hot desert with no end in sight. I guess that murder isn't murder if it's a medically slow and unconsciously painless process.
Please comment. Pt 2 will soon follow.
May God bless EVERY life on this planet.
Wow, so this is a blog, huh? WOOOOOOOOOOOOOW. Ok, just had to get that out in the open. Won't happen again, I promise.
Well, with this being my very first blog, I thought to choose a topic which is very light-hearted, laugh-out-loud (LOL for those who speak the html dialect), freaking funny! No, I don't think I will. How about Terry Schiavo?
I'm sorry, but am I the last remaining person on earth who believes that every person regardless of handicap, gender, criminal background, ect., deserves life?
Over the lunch hour at work, while sitting with some co-workers at the table while watching CNN, a news brief appeared regarding Terry Schiavo, the woman whose husband and family have been going through every legal drama imaginable over the past 15 years in order to either take or save this woman's life. Her husband today got the ok to remove her feeding tube (and only life support) on March 15th. http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20050225/ap_on_re_us/brain_damaged_woman_27
Since when is it ever OK to take a person's life? Apparently to a very opinionated co-worker, it's OK when she can't answer a question, feed herself, or hold up her own head. Yes, Terry is 'brain dead' (what a horrible term). Yes, Terry can not do much more than breathe on her own and show limited facial expressions. She depends on a feeding tube in order to survive.
The opinion which revolts me almost more than anything is that a handicapped life is a life not worth living at all. A Handicap=Dependence on Others=Weakness. Why does a justifiable dependence on a person or machine give others the right to relinquish a person of their dignity and ultimately in this case, a person's LIFE? My mother just had knee surgery on Wednesday. Her lack of mobility doesn't mean she is weak, but rather that she is dependent. Dependent on crutches, dependent on ice packs, dependent on medication, dependent on others' service.
Stephen Hawking cannot speak without a computer, but he's a scientific genius. Christopher Reeves couldn't move anything below his jaw, his accident and charity work influenced one of the most controversial debates for a presidential race in recent history. But because Terry cannot independently move her body or feed herself, her life is worthless. Her husband is trying to prove to the courts that every person has a constitutional right to die. It isn't a right, buddy, its a certainty. You just want to choose the time and place. How is this not murder, or even the launching point for legalized assisted suicide?
Do you know what will happen once Terry's feeding tube is removed. Her body will physically starve and die. Of course, she will be pumped with so much drugs that her brain will be unaware of it, but her body will know the difference. Her brain will tell her that everything's all right, her body will tell itself that Terry is stuck in the middle of a hot desert with no end in sight. I guess that murder isn't murder if it's a medically slow and unconsciously painless process.
Please comment. Pt 2 will soon follow.
May God bless EVERY life on this planet.
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