"El Autobus" - Act One, Scene 3

"Oh Crap!"

About 20 or so cars in two lanes of traffic wait at the 394 entrance lights, unknowingly sitting oh so patiently while the 20-ton monster approaches from behind.

Ms. Smith clasps onto the handrail next to her and closes her eyes, turning into an standing ostrich with it's head planted in the ground. "If I can't see what's going to happen, then it won't happen, right? RIGHT?!"

"HEY! You should probably put all the stuff that's liable to fly underneath your seat or something, this doesn't look good.", warns Ms. Smith's companion.

Ms. Smith, with her eyes still slammed shut says, "Is this really happening? Is everyone else completely oblivious to this?"

Suddenly, a series of violent jerks causes Ms. Smith's eyes to pop open. Miraculously, BAAB has realized that she has a more than one pedal underneath her steering wheel and decides that just for the heck of it, just this one time, she will see what happens when she presses on the big flat one to the left of the gas pedal. "WHOA! Guys, look at this! When I push this one here, it makes the bus go slower! I should experiment with this one more often! This is AWESOME!"

The preceding words cause everyone on the ride to stand up and ferociously clap. "WOOOH!", they scream. But since BAAB is also completely deaf in her right ear, she cannot hear the exclamations of approval. "UUUUH, this pedal is hard". With that, she slams on the brake. Those who were standing have now received a very unwanted and very unexpected version of the heimlich manuever.

Ms. Smith begins to cry. "I never pictured my deathbed to be a smelly, sticky bus that was likely bred from the depths of Mordor. I wanted to die warm in my bed after having a full, happy and experienced life!"

Suddenly a low, strong voice bellows, "Relax, will ya? Sheesh!"

"What the...?" Who are you?" Ms. Smith recoils in horror to see a large, muscular man dressed all in white. A man, who until five seconds ago was nowhere to be seen. His face is as clear as porcelain. A bright yellow glow eminates from his pores.

"I am the Angel Gabriel, and I was sent by God to spare the lives of you people. There was a glitch in the "plan" upstairs. The Angel Michael was playing Minesweeper on the "plan" computer and accidentally typed in "Death by Bus" instead of "Death by Sub". Luckily, I know Tae Kwon Do."

"What? Why is Tae Kwon Do necessary now?", cries Ms. Smith.

Gabriel screams, "JUDO CHOP!" and takes his open hand to BAAB's neck. Her head drops like a brick. He pulls BAAB's body from the front and drags her to the back of the now floating bus.

A small boy sitting on his mother's lap turns to her face, excitedly. "Mommy, I just saw the Angel Gabriel punch out an old woman! Score!"

The laughing Angel says, "You think that was cool, then watch this! Have any of you seen the movie 'Back to the Future?'".

With that, the bus starts to gain air speed. Within the time span of 10 seconds, the vehicle travels from the crowded entrance to 394 in Golden Valley to it's final stop on Hennepin Ave downtown. In amazement, Ms. Smith notices that people waiting at the stop have not been affected by the sudden appearance of the floating jet bus. In fact, it is as though nothing extraordinary has happened at all!

"Ok, peeps, this is your final stop! Get moving, I don't have time to stand around all evening!"

The passengers, all in utter confusion, slowly start towards the open doors. Well, all of them except Ms. Smith. With her mouth dropped to the floor, she achingly stands up and paces to Gabriel. Her steps are as confident as those of a toddler who has just learned to walk.

"So you are an Angel?"
"Yes".
"And you know how and when I'm going to die?"
"Yes".
"Can I ask you something extremely important?"
"Go ahead."
"Am I going to heaven or hell?"

Gabriel stares at Ms. Smith with a strong intensity. Ms. Smith feels a change in her entire body, as though every emotion she's ever felt are now completely co-existing in their strongest phases.

"Now you know the answer to your question, right?"
"Yes, for how long?"
"For the remainder of your time on this bus. Now go home, my child."

Ms. Smith slowly turns around and exits off the bus. Her first step hits the concrete sidewalk and the numbness and confusion that has filled every day of her entire life engulfs her mind with such a force that it makes her fall to the ground. She completely forgets the question she posed to Gabriel and the answer she received just moments before. A nearby stranger rushes to her side and pulls her up. "Are you OK?, she says.

"Yeah, did you see what happened with the bus?"
"What bus?"
"The freaking bus that just floated to this stop! The bus I just tripped off from!"
"That guy's dog ran in front of you. You fell pretty hard. I haven't seen a bus in the past five minutes or so."

Ms. Smith frantically turns her head around to examine the scene. The lady was right, there isn't a bus in sight. She looks to the corner of the street and sees a short man wearing black shades. In his tense hands, he grasps a thick and taut leash to which an excited, barking dog is attached to the end. The man yells, "I'm so sorry, he just gets playful sometimes!"

The lady who helped her up says, "Are you sure you are OK? Maybe you got a concussion."
"No, really, I'm OK. You can let me go now. I live blocks away from here. I just want to go home. Thanks for your help."
"Ok, take it easy, will ya?"
"Ok".

Befuddled, Ms. Smith takes a moment to make sure all her belonging are intact. She starts a careful and confusing way home. Her stomach begins to grumble. Noticing the yellow glow of the Subway restaurant sign on her right, she decides to grab a bite to eat. All those miracles in one day can make a person hungry, you know.

"El Autobus" - Act One, Scene 2

Ms. Smith has now found a seat in which to hunker down for her ride home. For now, she is relatively comfortable, as the ride hasn't merged onto the interstate or even a major street. She decides to make the best of this next minute 1/2 in the best way she knows how - to pray. "Please, don't let me die!"

The bus, after turning the corner onto the first major street has now arrived at it's first stop since Ms. Smith's arrival. Ten people who are obviously very warm and cranky, creep up the tiny bus stairway and make their way towards a seat. Two women who appear to be good friends or at least work associates, wink at Ms. Smith. They know how stressful this ride can make anyone on here, especially Ms. Smith. They jokingly close their eyes and make the sign of the cross. All of this is unknown to "Blind as a Bat" driver, as the two women are sitting directly behind her chair and the glass wall barricade between them. The two women lean over and whisper to Ms. Smith and point:

"You should sit here, behind her. Then you can't see ahead of you, only just to the left."
"Thanks! That actually sounds like a good idea. I'll do that"

Ms. Smith makes her way to the left side and picks a seat, just as the bus has started to move again. BAAB unexpectedly and quickly swerves to the furthest left lane and if she hadn't noticed the man in the red taurus behind her, she would have undoubtedly pushed him up and over the concrete island. Instead of checking the traffic behind her and safely moving to the right to let the taurus pass, she instead speeds up (as quickly as a 20-ton vehicle can speed up in one block) and holds her emergency horn down until they both approach the double-laned exit to 394. While both of them are sitting and waiting for the exit light to turn green, the red taurus creeps up beside BAAB and flips the bird. BAAB laughs, pulls the microphone to her mouth and yells over the P.A.,

"DID YOU SEE THAT? HE FLIPPED ME OFF. THAT MAKES ME WANT TO PUSH HIM INTO THE CONTRETE WALL. SOMETIMES I TRY TO SCARE THEM SO THEY GET THE MESSAGE AND LEAVE ME ALONE. SOME PEOPLE DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE, I TELL YA"

Ms. Smith frantically searches in her work bag to find a pen and the closest thing to a peice of paper. She scribbles the bus number, exact time and bus route, location and double-checks to see that the Transit Line is in the address book of her cell phone. She then looks ahead (big mistake) through the wide front window to witness the trouble that is about to ensue.

The bus is approaching 394 at break-neck speed while remaining traffic is at a standstill.

Ms. Smith looks over at her two bus associates and says,

TO BE CONTINUED...

"El Autobus" - Act One, Scene 1

The following is based on actual events. Although some of this is completely made up, unfortunately, a lot of it isn't. Some of the verbal exchange is actually written as close to verbatim as possible. Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

ACT I , SCENE 1

We find Ms. Smith standing on the street corner across from her work place, patiently waiting for her evening bus ride home. After a while, she pulls out her cell phone to check on the time and realizes that her ride is late. Extremely late. Ms. Smith starts to fidget, shifting her balance from foot to foot and occasionally looking back to see if there's any sign of a bus heading her direction. Another minute passes. And another. Her other companions who are also waiting for the same bus decide to each pull out another cigarette, figuring that they still have enough time on their hands to get in another drag. Finally, as Ms. Smith concludes that she would be better off going back inside to cool off and catch the next bus (she knows some of her future already) for a safer, calmer ride, she hears the rumbling of the metro bus, the squeaking brakes, and sees her ride pull up to the stop. Ms. Smith, as calmly as possible, steps inside and pulls out her bus fare ticket. She slides it into the meter and wishes that all will hopefully go well. The meter spits out the ticket, calling it 'misread', refusing to deduct any amount from the remaining $14 left on the card. The driver, an older woman with long white hair, glasses as thick as her obvious southern accent, watches this event and says:

"Did you take that ticket in to the metro office?"
"No, I didn't know I had to do that"
"The next time the meter declines that ticket, I'm not going to let you on this bus"
"Fine. Though this is your fault.
"Why?"
"This ticket was working perfectly until I got on your route home yesterday evening. When I put the ticket into the slot, your meter sucked it up, paused, spit it out and sucked it up again. Ever since last night, I can't get this ticket to work properly."
"Well, it's not my fault"
"Yes, it is."
"You don't have to get angry with me, I didn't do anything."
"I'm not even close to angry, don't put emotions into my head. You are telling me that I have to take this ticket into a metro transit office because your meter screwed it up? What time does the office downtown open?"
"8 AM"
"I have to be here at 7:30 in the morning. What time does it close?
"5 PM"
"I can't leave work early. This bus doesn't even pick me up until quarter after five. And I know the office isn't open on the weekends, right?"
"That is correct."
"So I have to waste this ticket I bought for $20 that still has $14 left on it and buy another one? Seems like a good scam to me."
"You don't have to get upset."
" I'm not upset, drive your freaking bus home. Just don't kill me while doing it."
"SIT DOWN!"
"Whatever. You better watch your back. I have an exotic spiky fruit I'm going to chuck at your head when you least expect it."

SCENE TWO WILL BE POSTED TOMORROW. FEEL FREE TO INSERT ANY CREATIVE IDEAS AS TO WHERE THIS STORY WILL END UP. I WILL, HOWEVER, STILL INSERT SOME ACTUAL EVENTS (ALTHOUGH NAMES AND PLACES WILL BE CHANGED) TO SHOW THE RIDICULOUSNESS OF MY DAILY ROUTE HOME. IF YOU ARE CONFUSED AS TO WHY THIS SUBJECT IS BEING DISCUSSED, PLEASE REFER TO THE PREVIOUS POST ENTITLED, "OTTO, PLEASE". THANK YOU.

Through the Voice of a Child

Yesterday I went to a BBQ in South Minneapolis. The owners of the home have two children, a 2-week baby and a two-year old boy. I'll now offer the translation of certain words through this boy's understanding. You'll be amazed at the clarity.

vicky = "geeky"
ellie = "ewee"
car = "carrrrrr"
help = "uuuuuuhhh"
Jean = "nini"
green tractor = "geen gacker"
loader = "lolo"
kittie = "kiggee"
chair = "tear"
baby = "bobby"
shoe = "soo"

It all makes so much sense, doesn't it?

Otto, Please!

Ok, so i just starting working at this place in Golden Valley, which requires me to ride the bus to and from home. No biggie, as I've ridden the bus MANY a time. Compare those costs to what it would be with a car and insurance, and it saves hundreds, if not thousands of $ a year!
Anyway. So the first time I hopped on the route home I stepped onto unknown (and soon to be obvious) unsafe territory.
Picture this bus driver in your head: an old lady, somewhere in her 60's. Long hair as white as snow. Glasses as thick as a the bottom of a glass bottle. Now assume as to what her driving talents could possibly be, based on those facts alone. Now factor in that her driving teacher was most likely Evil Knievel.
I have never been so terrified as a bus passenger as I am now. Hopefully her shift will change very soon and she'll be assigned to a new route. I've heard that all the drivers rotate every two weeks or so.
I hopped on the bus thursday evening, sat in a comfy seat and assumed that this would be a nice relaxing 10-minute ride home. Think again. She would NOT stop talking! Not only that, but everyone could hear it because she moved the microphone to her mouth so it was broadcast over the P.A. system. She gave a 5-minute lecture on how the bus rates would go up by a quarter the next day. Then the remaining 5 were her slamming on the brakes, cutting off traffic on the interstate (even other busses!), yelling in her microphone to tell other drivers to get out of the way (as if they could even hear her at all), and honking the horn at just about anything that seemed to move in front of, beside or blocks away. AAAAH!
During today's ride I just sunk my nails into the foam seat ahead of me and prayed. Occasionally, that prayer was interrupted by silent screaming and gasping but I think He got the drift. I had expected to arrive downtown to hear screaming on the sidewalk and flying baby carriages, but luckily that didn't happen. YET. Ironically, after hopping off the mobile tunnel of terror I felt the sudden need to see "War of the Worlds". I highly recommend it!
Where's Otto the bus driver when you need him? He would be a vast improvement.