My Interview with a Hollywood Celebrity

Hello there, Mr./Mrs._______. Thank you for taking some time out of your busy schedule to chat with me. Let's get started, ok?

Uh huh

So how are you?

What?

How are you?

Umm...I'm ok, I guess.

You guess?

Yeah, just a little bummed out. I prayed to God with my red Kabbalah string for like, 40 seconds, but I still didn't get my dream boat. Diddy ruins everything.

Wow, I'm sorry to hear that.

Whatever. But I'm working on "Jaws 4 - Teeth in the Reef", so that extra 10 million should get, like, half the boat I want.

"Jaws 4", huh? Is that really necessary?

Well, it's what I can do to feed my kids. There's no way I'm going to send them to PUBLIC school! I only consult the Post-Mortem High Kabbalah Priest Rabbi L. Ron Hubbard Shlomo when it comes to elementary educational matters. Public school is for thetans.

What in the world do you believe?

I believe that each person creates their own destiny. I also believe that my bologna has a first name, that name being O-S-C-A-R.

Now did you really have to spell out the name? You could have just said, "Oscar".

Shut it, you thetan communist.

That was harsh! Forget it, tell me about "Jaws 4". What is the storyline?

What do you think? It's about a freaking shark that eats people! Only this time, the shark has a fish friend named Nemo. Nemo only nibbles on the victim's toes to make them laugh.

Sounds pathetic.

It really is. What am I doing with my life? At least I get to make out with Sharon Stone in the movie...she wears this really short-cut dress and then...

Ok, that's enough! I think our time is up.

Whatever. Do I get paid for this?

No. It's called free publicity.

Sounds like a rip-off. But then again, I get paid millions of dollar to pretend, so it's not like I need the money. I...

Goodbye.

ABC Special - "The 10 (Thousand) Fabrications"

Wow......

This is really bad. Please, if you do anything tomorrow night, avoid the second part of "The Ten Commandments". In the first five minutes alone, there's enough inaccuracy and bad acting to make your eyes roll into the back of your head. And like I'm supposed to believe that Moses, the Jew, had blue eyes, light skin and spoke like someone trying to cover up a Scottish accent. Did the producers even consult the Bible at all? They've turned a prominent historical figure who couldn't speak well and stuttered, someone who had incredible problems managing his anger into Moses van Daam.
Take a gander at this snappy dialogue...

"Sometimes God and I argue..he always wins."

Oh yeah, and on that same token...please prove to the world that Tom Cruise is irrelevant by not watching that interview on Friday night. Since when did Diane Sawyer turn into Mary Hart?

Ants in the Pants

Twin Cities residents have a disease that is much-too-common throughout the United States. The disease is prominent primarily in large cities. Sometimes that isn't the case, and the disease affects only people who have stressful jobs and/or lifestyles. The disease is called "Ants in the Pants" and it strikes without mercy, leaving millions of strung-out people in its wake.

Typical symptoms of "Ants in the Pants" include -
- Running up and down escalators, asking people blocking their paths to move out of the way.
- Pushing the elevator close buttons as soon as someone exits
- Calling their acquaintances's cell phones repeatedly until that person picks up
- Pushy behavior with any kind of restaurant wait staff
- Constantly flipping radio stations to find the "perfect" song, then immediately flipping through again after the song ends
- Creating new "lanes" on the highway in order to pass or push their way into another lane

To these people, I have a short and simple message - "RELAX! Take some ritalin, play some classical music and just calm down!"

And I say that in the most tranquil manner possible.

Back to School - Part 2!

So guess what?! I was accepted into college! So starting in January 2007, I'll be a school nerd, woohoo! I'm not retarded, not retarded, not retarded....