First Baptist Casino (Free Taco Tuesdays!)

As an attempt to raise interest (and donations) to the churches of Minneapolis, I propose the following changes and additions -

- Mariache band at front entrance, lead singer must have the name "Jesus", although it may be pronounced as "Hay-soos".

- Baptismal font/pool filled with jello. Many who have been baptised in the waters of J.C. have complained about the bitter chlorine taste. (can be frozen and used for "Virgin Mary Jello Shot Fridays"!)

-Slot machines will now replace the standard offering plates. Every attendant must place at least one coin in the machine before passing the bouncers and security guards to the only exit. (Not a necessary precaution, but needed to insure a bulky offering)

- "Stupid Pet Tricks" every other Sunday worship. Each show must have a dog that can hula-hoop.

- After every hymn, the organist must stand up and yell, "Who's down with the G-O-D?" Congregation should respond, "We Are, We Are! WOOOOO!" Disco balls and strobe lights can be lowered at this time.

- Communion should be comprised of only kool-aid and reeses peices. Pastor must say "My peace I bring to you, as we eat Reeses Peacees with the Lord"

- Must have teenage dancing troup on every hymn. Applicants should be ready to do round-offs, windmills, handstands and backflips on cue. Please, no "running man" or "tootsie roll".

-Weekly demolition derby with used church busses in parking lot. Note: Guests musts move vehicles beforehand.

This proposition, in my opinion, would drastically create a large influx of guests, therefore creating a larger interest in J.C. J.C. always loved a good party. If you have any comments, suggestions, or additions, please post in the comments. Thank you.

Do you smell that? My soul is burning. AAAAAAAAH!

(please note - I am a devoted and serious Christian. The above is in no way a serious proposal. If you must complain, you must therefore GET A LIFE!)