Poe Wouldn't Write Like Shel Silverstein

Yeah, I know that my last post was pretty depressing, but I'm currently in a depressed mood. What would you expect? Sometimes I use this blog as an excuse to vent, so as to not bring up my issues to other relatives or friends. Some family and friends, who, ironically read this blog. Oh well.

Today was not a good day. Granted, I had enough work that would last me through the day, and that is always a plus, but for some reason I was so incredibly moody. Once in a while I'll get these mood swings. The sour end of the swing feels like an internal catfight.

Why the swing? Well, some of it must be hormonal. Sometimes I wonder why people were given these chemical balances and imbalances and specific glands which create hormones and why women seem to express the effects of these hormones more vocally and physically than men. If a man were to suddenly switch from having a nice, calm demeanor while dining at a restaurant to someone who instantly cries when the server says, "Sorry, we're out of vanilla ice cream", most would assume that this man has severe emotional problems. But when a pregnant woman goes from being the social light of a party to locking herself in a dark bedroom 15 minutes later crying, "I just want to be alone", nothing much is considered, except for those pesky hormones.

What would be another reason for today's swing? Minor irritations at work have ballooned into major annoyances, and today the balloon popped.

And another reason? I've realized more often than not, I can easily figure out what I don't want to do in life as opposed to what I do want to achieve before this life escapes from my body. Not only that, but I cannot come up with a single immediate way to get out of this rut. Not even a 5-year plan comes to mind.

I'm 23. Not married or even in a relationship, and not wanting to ever be in that status at all. Period. Is that normal, even for me? Not sure. Wanting to desperately go back to school, but not having the financial means whatsoever, and not even having a parent with that convenience. And I used to think that music was my definite career path. Now I'm not so sure. Wanting so much to have a permanent job, but not knowing how and not even getting an interview for the jobs I've been the most excited about pursuing. During my high school reunion last July, a former classmate asked what I had been up to since we had last seen each other. When I stated my reply in the most positive manner I could give, he apologized and said, "Everyone gets in a rut sometimes." . Wow. I felt like a total failure.

So for now, here's my goal for the next year, 2006.
- Get $1,000 in a general savings account

- Keep active in church

- Get a permanent job

- Stay in current housing arrangement

- Keep chipping away at my $10,000 college debt, get it down to $9,000

- Start new college savings account, get at least $500 in there (that should cover books expenses for one semester)

- If I can afford it, get a used car

- Keep adding to the "What I Don't Want to Do With My Life" list

- Maybe (a big maybe) figure out what I want to do before I die

- Take one step (minor or major) into reaching a life goal

- Read. Anything. All the Time.

Man, it is, pathetically, so hard to even comprehend an end in sight.