R.I.P. Grandpa

Early this morning, my grandpa died.

This hurts. However, the circumstances behind the hurt are unusual. When I was too young to remember, my parents decided to divorce after several years of marriage. Do I believe that they should have divorced? Heck yes. While I don't condone divorce and wish the term never existed (along with marriages that begin for poor reasons), there are times when it should absolutely be allowed. But it still doesn't mask the pain of losing an immediate family member. After all, if my grandpa had never existed, neither would have my father and, in turn, my sister and I.

Divorce carries with it many myths, one of them being the following:

Myth #1 - Divorce only affects the former husband and wife.

ABSOLUTELY WRONG, especially if children are involved. And it is in that case which I have struggled for a long time. I do sincerely believe that my parent's divorce was a necessity. However, their following actions were not. I wouldn't have cared that they hated each other so much if it weren't for the fact that their despisement of each other resulted in two children never getting to know their biological father. This was not the fault of one parent, but of both.

On tuesday, I will have attended three funerals on my dad's side of the family. For the preceeding two, my mourning for the loss of my family members was overwhelmed by not a mourning of death, but the mourning of a life that I had never really known and never will. Sure, my dad's family (who I only reconnected with after his own funeral) can tell me stories about how my grandparents and my dad were, how they loved me and how they wish they could have seen me grow up and then attend my upcoming wedding. But stories and "what if's" are a poor and incomparable substitute for a genuine relationship.

This coming July I will make a vow to share the remainder of my life with and marry the man of my dreams. And when the words, "for better or worse" are spoken, they will be MEANT and (with God's help alone) acted upon. For my sake, my fiance's sake and for our future children's sake.

This funeral on Tuesday will be the absolute last time I mourn out of guilt for a life never known, and not for a person's precious life.